ı ` s k e ı p ı z ә m ( the morrow escapism )

whats passion? just feel it.

2007-09-17T09:13:00.001+08:00

when you just dont feel the intensity of the passion anymore,
you know, its the end.

"if you want me back badly enough, you'll know what to do"

if im that guy, i'll scream at you, like, GOSH WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

but after so much, i have to agree..that r/s, is all about passion. ( im not sure about love = passion )
if you dont feel sufficient passion to fuel the fading flames in you, then, its pointless to go on. its about feeling it. its not about what your head tells you to do. dont confuse what you have learnt in school with your personal life or lifestyle. dont bring school work home. dont think at home. feel it. you only use your brain when it comes to work. the rest of the time, just feel it ( and use your brain when necessary) but really, dont let your brain lead your heart and your thots murder your downplay the importance of what you feel.

right now, i just want to finish my work my exam and, start doing things i like.

giving has never been difficult, esp to those that i love, and to the person that i want to spend my life with.
but.

a relationship isnt about giving. its both. its spontaneous, its mutual.
how many damn times must i repeat myself and force this into my head, it is not about you and you alone.
its both ways.

wake up.

love, is a sweet thing and its hard to come by.

2007-09-17T08:20:00.000+08:00

carrie used to think, love is a sweet thing.
yuaniee, do you still think so?

i always think, love is a sweet thing..
then i started to FEEL love is heartbreaking and exhuastive.
then, i realised love and like, they mingled, but they are not synonymous.
then, i realised i have loved someone i shouldnt have.
then i did it again.
and again.
and again.

now, i think, yes love is a sweet thing,
but, love doesnt come easily and it doesnt just happen over night.
( i know it, but to feel it in your soul, in your heart, with all the intensity building up just thinking of it, it just brings more heartache )

everynow and then, i wish, and to deny the existence of love.
to make your heart hard.
to avoid feeling it.

to love, it should be a crime.
ah. why cant i dance in the rain and feel free?
why cant i be free?

its a heavy heart weighing me down.

maybe, love is a sweet thing, is just a facade, an ideal.
maybe its just too hard to comeby, thats why everyone keep trying and kept thinkg THATSSS!!! LOVEE!!!
but, look deeper, dont lie.
you know it isnt.
or, it is not mutual.

TOO LATE!

2006-12-31T10:28:00.000+08:00

yea im back here again. because reality pushes me here. fuck you.
just when i was able to feel sorry for being so mad, i change upon his blog, and that sets me thinking for a very long time.

extracted:

9 months too late.
Save the apologies
tears
guilt
pleading.
You should have tried 9 months ago.
Still untainted
innocent
free.
Dying at your hands,
sedated
crying
kicking
screaming
scratching
swearing.
Heartless gaze and restraints
dead
immobile
gone.
9 months too late.

Tuned it out with the loudest music i can find on my cellphone, thank god that the music played at the loudest volume drowns out any voice. Dani California works wonders.

from someone's blog.

YEA, too late. TOO LATE. thats what i meant. YOU MISS THAT CHANCE, YOU FUCKING MISS IT. DONT COME BACK AGAIN. DONT. AND LIVE WITH IT MAN. LIVE WITH WATS LEFT OF ME. DONT FUCKING COME BACK. DONT EVEN TRY TO REACH OUT. IM VERY FINE ON MY OWN, TO WALK OUT OF IT. IM TRYING HARD TO. IM DIDNT GIVE UP AT ALL. ITS YOU WHO HAVE FORGOTTEN ALL ABT ME. I JUST DONT LIKE THE PRETENSE. SO GET LOST. BUT NO, IM NOT A STUPID BITCH. I LOVE MYSELF. IM GONNA GET WELL SOON. MEANWHILE, JUST BE NICE AND SHUT YOUR FUCKING GAP.

FUCK YOU.

2006-12-28T12:28:00.000+08:00

erms, i have moved to
http://crossbox.livejournal.com/
very long ago. hahahaahhs. erms? redirect yourself okie? :) :) :)

free mind.

2006-12-12T22:45:00.002+08:00

between ups and downs, between before and after, before forward and backward, between laughters and tears, between love and hate, between heaven and earth, between life and death.
where do we stand? what measures a man? what defines emotion?

im confuse, holding a measuring cup in my hand,
staring at flour staring back at my face.
a subliminal thought split through hollow mind,
echoing: help..helP...heLPP...hELLPPP...HEELLLPPPP...
then,as soon as i hear it, every muscle ready to react,
snaps back to 2seconds back.

hollow..hollow..hollow..
my arm..
its still holding the measuring cup...
swinging gently...

2006-10-06T15:33:00.000+08:00

of all the things we have done, have loved, have sacrificed, we are still who we are, or we are never who we think we are. whenever we act unlike our usual self, we provide ourselves, our conscious, and conscience with excuses. we know we could have done things in other ways, but in that split second, we give in to our own expectations and by rendering our brain for an excuse, we are saved, we are pardoned, by ourselve period.

we were merely freshmen.

2006-09-12T07:56:00.000+08:00

we have seen the sunset and sunrise a thousand times, and of that 1000 times, only once did i stop to have a good look at it, breathing in its brilliance and praise its beauty in awe. once. how ashame should i be of myself for being so nonchalant the 999times. of simple bliss and happiness. how i let it slips away, the little pleasure in life. we always look forward and beyond. but there are times we look way far ahead we forget to appreciate those ard us. how forgetful, or even naive to think that when you own your future, whats given to you, or already there aint important. and reflection doesnt really help you to see. you may see but if reality doesnt hit u hard enough, if you have unintentionally degraded the simple luxury of watching sunset and sunrise, you will never realise your mistake. or have the courage to make time to correct ur mistake.

im so exhausted now but i know im not given the right to complain because everyone else is so. so i keep quiet and keep my whining to my parents and myself. my foot is still swelling and i wish i can tell everyon, theres more reason to why im not feeling well. i hate doing it, but im always doing it. i hate it. i hate it. but it always alleviates my mood. i cant tell anyone. i can. but no i wouldnt. and now i have to take painkillers everyday. it doesnt help with my dad urging me to stop taking it. whats the point. you know it will swell. its my foot. i know it. i can feel it swelling if i miss the time to take my med. and stop asking me to eat. i am so annoyed. im trying very hard to eat. eating to me isnt a luxury. theres so much things to think abt before eating or after. im so tired of that. and on top of it, the flu is getting on my nerves. i cant take medicine to cure it cause i need the time to study. yet i feel so lurthagic. this feeling sucks. i really feel like crap. really give me an hour, i may want to use crying therapy to make myself feel better. im tired. i dont even know if i'll die from that swelling and i know my digestion system is down. maybe i have cancer? haha..its a very nervous smile. guess i'll do a check up after exam..but there'll be alot of questioning and. who knows. what if they want to see my parents?

and i'll sing a song of love.

2006-07-15T14:06:00.000+08:00

2006-02-18T19:25:00.000+08:00

crossbox.livejournal.com

the morrow, a better day.

2006-01-26T18:58:00.000+08:00

today you sat beside me.
i do not know what to expect but you were direct, like you have always been.
i know something like that will happen, but never too sure it will be so fast and direct.
im sorry i have disrupted your life, and make you worry for nothing.
but i have no more chips left, sorry was all that i could afford.

how are you?
whats going thru your mind?

i could only keep quiet.

did i hurt you in some ways?

i kept still, speech unable.
i looked away, unable to face you, that powerful look makes me want to talk, yield to your questioning.

did i hurt you, you asked again.

momentarily, i could feel tears welling up.
but no, im not gonna let it happen.
when you have tried so hard to escape from this,
you;re not gonna ruin it all like this right?

thats the first time you seeing me, being stubborn, stubbornly refusing to talk.
dont second guess me, you know me well enough.
though i always get to see other ppl's private thots, mine are very well guarded.
they are privately mine.

and i just didnt htink its the right time to talk abt it.
but yes, its a first step in knowing me better.
that i can be very defiant and rebellious, that i do not yield to you all the time.
that, i am not your afterall, miss goody two shoes.

i m cold and hard.
but that is only because i see it need to.
no more,
no more of that slipping.

have you gone thru alot?
do you still resent?
what do you resent?

yes, you gotit, i resent, because there are many private thots in my head, that tells me, no i shouldnt be doing this. yes i should be, yes they are justifiable.
but no, they are not. they are just impulsive passion that grew too strong, left uncheck for too long and they just demeans me more and more.
smaller and smaller i became.
to the point, i hated knowing who i am.

self consciousness is a ver y painful experience.

yes, it was a very tough battle that i have fought, and
now, im trying to recover from it.

im moving on,
i hope you too.
dont worry for me.

i'll be fine.

everythings back to normal.
i will restraint my thoughts and not let them go too wild.
that way, i'll be fine.

:)

thanks.

it was a rewarding conversation.

give me time,
i'll give you more assurance.

theres alot more things out there waiting for me, than

you're a very strong and versatile person.

yes thank you, i know that.
this heart of mine, they'll mature one day, as good as my brain.

teaching???????????

2006-01-16T04:35:00.000+08:00

this sounds terribly stupid. but yes, i am very upset after the little conversation we have initially, turns out to be a storm as we exchanged our opinions on teaching, as a profession.
T was telling me the other day, he thinks im a very left wing person, and the next time, WTO comes, i'll probably be one of the activist, protesting outside the conference, then he will see me on tv, being arrested. And, that amuses him, as how a tiny person can get caught, and a tiny person being so idealistic.
has, the world has failed me, or my perception of the world has failed.
its not easy coming to terms with thing you dont like. and it gets harder if you have to live your whole life that way. you grew up in fairy tales, believing everythings purfect. but when you get old, and reality slaps you time and again mercilessly hard, still you refuse to give in. til your body begins to slow down and you literally let the pain eats you up whole, you begin to resent.

anyway abt teaching as a profession. apparently his gf is going to be a erm..erm.. you know. T.
and then, he said teaching is a very easy job. at the back of my mind, im thinking, are you kidding me or what? how can teaching be an easy job? i have empathise teachers of all levels, from pri to sec to jc. easy job? you mean, job satisfaction that is sufficient to make you forget all the fatigue and hard work you put in in making sure your commitments ( students ) performly above expectations?
i personally think, teaching is a trying profession.
and if you cant give your all, dont bother.
do not compromise on your students.
please.

- ms left wing.
whatever.
i am idealistic.
shoot me.

(btw, i never grew up in fairy tales. i always thot they were stupid irrealistic and misleading fictions. but precisely knowing these stories, it encourages you to harbour hopes for the future. but you know what? i see none. i used to hope alot for the future. used to. but now, i feel nothing. lead the life you want. well im disgusted by what i see. and, it gets worst, when you see that quality you detest and despise lives in you as well. im a major turn off. but so are you. you freaking fugly. but so am i.

we're all the same )

and you only live on, becauseof him.
the world is heidious. unless you have been so sheltered all this well, and you couldnt see.

and of course, i will want to die. but since i cant die. but hate this place, i wont sit and do nothing. dont be silly. its not in my blood to wait for the sky to fall. i'll do something meaningful, well, after i get out of the educatino system. and im very firm with that. im gonna serve.

and my bro said, " teaching is a very easy job, once you're done with work, you can leave the sch."
and i rebuted, " that shouldnt be the way. teachers should try to do more, and give more. its a profession not measure by economic incentives. the motivation should comes from the teacher, the passion and the desire to nurture students."
bro," so you think you must contribute to the society? and serve?"
me, " yes, exactly, and thats what i want."

i know some think it sounds damn dumb.
but thats what i believe in.

we have different value systems.

but dont give me that look of disapproval or that im a freak.
because it only shows, how selfish yo u have been,
and you alone, represent many others out there.
the same strange expression they give.

sometimes.
i dont like discussions.

confession.

2006-01-15T08:03:00.000+08:00

i think i owe you an apology.
and to put an end to all these.

am sorry, well, thats if you are ever worried for me.
to put you thru this. obviously, im the one at fault.
or maybe, becaz no one should be blamed for this,
it gets harder. agony and tears, they know no direction,
for why they existed, and who do they go to.

( ash hairstyle sucks in L.O.VE. its supr ugly. )

im sorry.

and when you ask me, should you do it again.
im in no position to tell you what to do.
i wish i can help you determine.
but all sense of logic dont apply no more.
he works against the norm, usual human instinct.
so i cant second guess.
its pretty tough.

hold back if you can.
( now i see why we need to meet. )
we haven discuss the consequence yet.

why do i think, everyone is just making use of one another.
why arnt we friends of everyone's?
(and when you discriminate, you only generate hate.)
acceptance and tolerance,
how do you define them.

(gorillaz rockssss!!! they are so adorable lah!!!! feel good inc. )

the equation is simple.
but we like to expand and factorise, expand expand, factorise, expand factorise, factorise.
and create a long long equation, before we decide,
the problem is unsolvable. and
well, "equation is too complicated!!!"

ha.
we complicate things to protect ourselves.
or have i over simplied/ generalising too much?

and in a madness,
whats in their memory bank?
childhood? smiles?
or agony??

live on, the world they are too caught in, is perfect.
die now, if illusions are as cruel as reality.

whats the color of the sky?
what secret has heaven let out?

we are done with the past, present and future.
let me go, will you?

a concoction of resentment and regrets.

2006-01-11T18:22:00.000+08:00

I'd give it all up just for you
Just to have you near me
I'd give it all up just for you

Bring me up, bring me down
Turn me inside out
I'd give it all up just for you

the corrs, give it all up.

Hidden Talent

2006-01-11T18:20:00.000+08:00

Your Hidden Talent

Your natural talent is interpersonal relations and dealing with people.
You communicate well and are able to bring disparate groups together.
Your calming presence helps everything go more smoothly.
People crave your praise and complements.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

whats your inner blood?

2006-01-11T18:12:00.000+08:00

Your Inner Blood Type is AB!

Your personality is hard to define - you're very unconventional.
And even if your personality could be defined, it would be completely different next week!
Outgoing and shy, sensitive and thoughtless, you tend to have a very split personality.
This makes you unpredictable. You can be a total angel - and a total devil.

You are most compatible with: everyone!

Famous Type AB's: Jackie Chan and Marilyn Monroe

What's Your Inner Blood Type?

why are you asking me?

2006-01-11T18:01:00.000+08:00

"you feel harder than normal recently.."

HAHA.
whats next?
so?

why should i be concern of what you think? does it matter really? really?

you're like a drug. its addicitive.

a rebel of herself.

2006-01-10T22:51:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wish to let out those secrets, let you know who' s that girl standing infront of you. but most of the time, its too difficult. we are a group of people so screwed up, i think 50% we hate ourselves for abusing ourself, 50% smiling smirkingly at ppl ard us, for not knowing what we have done behind the curtains.

you think you know it all, you have no idea.

and one day i die, i hope to see you cry.
ha

cause i think you're the reason.

i have changed so much past 2 years so many mistakes i made repeatedly, i kept running away from them.

everytime, i'll keep cleaning myself, trying to wash those dirts off. i really hated it. but it becomes pointless. its fucking painful. the idea to hurt yourself can be very thrilling, yet very stupid and dangerous.

i am fascinated by the idea of me becoming mentally ill.
wouldnt that be interesting?
to see yourself mad?

ha.

i like it.
i like to think i am abnormal.
i like to run into the road and get hit by the car,
and maybe watch from above how you cry.
its so thrilling.
and i am very entertain by these thots.

perfect.

i feel like slashing everyone. kill everyone.
i love blood.
i love to see you cry.

i thot of seeing psychologist the other day
but that bastard dr, say i should confide in my friends, and he started talking to me abt it, trying to make me talk.
what an arsehole.
ya, i realise my arrogance have got me laughing at almost everyone.
and its annoying when i become too cocky.

somehow its true that i have a mature mind but not a heart and do not let your mature thinking deceive you into believing you have a mature mind.

mature mind? ha.
ogosh, if i ever have that, i will be a saint.
so you know what?
i dont give a shit.

let me decompose
the heart that denies other voices, is a weak and foolish one.
the heart of youth.

and thats mine.
im not trying to identify myself with other teens.
i dont care what stupid things they are doing.
but you know what?
i just want to indulge in all these evil thots.
i am rebellious.
i am loving it.
its so easy to be the black sheep.

a rebel of herself.

major in?

2006-01-10T00:06:00.000+08:00

You scored as Psychology. You should be a Psychology major!

Mathematics

92%

Psychology

92%

Linguistics

83%

Art

83%

Dance

83%

Sociology

83%

Theater

75%

Engineering

75%

Anthropology

75%

Philosophy

67%

Biology

67%

English

67%

Journalism

58%

Chemistry

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3)
created with QuizFarm.com

get well soon..

2006-01-09T22:22:00.000+08:00

we waited impatiently for him to get out of the bathroom.
we were tired after a long day.
i thot it would be a quick visit and
i'll be on my way home.

30mins passed slowly.
and when he finally came out,
with a white gauze like cotton,
my heart felt a tight squeeze.

and when he finally speaks,
everything begins to collapse,
tears just well up and
i lost it.

it was so painful.
already the waiting, the 30mins stare at the empty bed has made me thot of the loneliness and pain he has to go thru.
having see him in this pathetic state,
i wish i could be the one undergoing the operation.

yes, i cant bear to lose him.
it was a very difficult moment.

when he speaks, his voice was horse and low and he was struggling to speak, fighting the pain in his throat.
in the attempt to correct his crooked nose and swelling flesh in the nose so as to prevent the morning sinus, he underwent the operation.
however, the operation didnt go smoothly.
first attempt failed.
he came out, and started puking fresh blood.
excessive internal bleeding.
he was send into the operation room again.
2 opertations.
he's now in intensive care, under observation.
all weak and fragile.
its a pain to see a big man become so weak.

im sorry darling, but its really painful to see u in such a state.
i couldnt help crying.
i cried and cried and cried.
it was a minor operation.
but the thot of u in such a pain..
oh dear lord, what has happen again.

this is all so terrible.

and all i can do is, cry and cry and cry..

dear lord, dont ever take him away.
though i dont really like him,
dont, please dont, take him away.

dear brother, get well soon.
hope to see you kick my ass, pinch my face, and command me around.

get well soon~

2006-01-08T18:33:00.000+08:00

i need to recharge!
i need to hang around beings.
too much time spend with non living things can been a very traumatic experience.
and YES!
im ready to get out of the black hole before i slip further into it and
eventually becomes suicidal.

wake me, when tomorrow comes.

silverfish.

2006-01-08T15:09:00.000+08:00

i imagined that we were little soliders in a wooden box, and monsters were our masters, watching us fight. (not against each other.) we're comrates, fighting silverfish. ( lots of them and their keep multiplying )

why silverfish? because we spent too many years, slacking doing nothing, leaving our books to collect dust and oxidise. so its yellowish and attracted many silverfish.

i lost my train of thots again.
inspiration-less.

gouge out your moronic eyes!

2006-01-06T20:02:00.000+08:00

they stood tall and bright.
multiple eyes shine like stars
to the sky, they are so small
to the child, they are his world
peep thru the black long tube, tel-le-scoop, tel-li-scoop!
he saw the stars in awe
and tears well up
as he watches them steal his precious stars .

unfathomable,
irregular patterns
i've lost my speech
she lost to Lear.
more blind than ever.

sometimes, its so difficult..

2006-01-06T20:00:00.000+08:00

fengshui test.

2005-12-30T19:06:00.000+08:00

was checking my hotmail acct, and, yup, surprisingly, san *aka right butt* send me this.
normally i wld have close the window and forget abt stupid tests, but since its from san, the girl whom i know for 6 yrs, who does not, does not USUALLY email anyone anything,even using an cm cube of strength to use her "delicate" finger to click the mouse of hers could be a pain, i got to check out this test....
and heres the result...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello ellis! Here are the answers to the selections you have chosen above.

You are conservative and aggressive. You have a lot of love and friendships in your life. You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever. You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you ( that person must be god send above. ), but you may not realize it. ( maybe? ha. )

sandy? is your Best friend. "3", This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime. ( 3!? so many!? ha, lord have mercy.. i think i know who they are actually.. )

You like adventure. You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reversed.

live in heaven.. this wish that you made will come true only if you send this to five people in one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next Birthday!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the last line was a big turn off. send it to ten ppl.
no way am i gonna send it. watch me die then. watever.
and,
ha,
moi wish will come true before moi next birthday.
well, if that come true, above results will be more accurate than ever.
wahahahahaha.
isnt it cool to die on ur birthday?
how many ppl could do tat?
impressive huh?

hit and bang.

2005-12-25T22:50:00.000+08:00

dont bother to tell me what i already know
try telling me what i do not know,
with my head in the mud, limps twisted and tangled like dirty threads,
no way of knowing that i dont know them.

comon, its more exciting that way. death i seek not, given up many others, its time for indulgence.

tell me,
force some "truth", or rather, what the ebony eyes believe are true.
what state of mind are you in?

dragged into a madhouse.

i'm stateless.

shittamouf.
shuttagap.

hold on, hold on.

2005-12-25T22:08:00.000+08:00

i live on you.
have you realised that?

dont be too quick to defend.

remember to forget.

2005-12-25T21:55:00.000+08:00

father father father help us
send some guidance from above,
cause ppl got me questioning where is the love.

smoked eyes, layers of cake, stripped off, whats left
but baggies not enough to tell the story, the fiction protagonist.
night or shine, warm or cold, left or right, up or down, its everything.
its a game of choice, its a game, we often lose, seldom win. many regrets, little gain, little to give.
delirious, we yearn and yearn, it comes quickly, taking away more glow from you than you have before when it sneaks off.
dimming, fickling, fading, vanish...
invisible..

forgotten.

agony,
where are you from?
why do you exist?

narrow minded.

2005-12-23T16:17:00.000+08:00

was reading van's new blog which has a very funky name, something like i wear sassy pants?? lols
her entries are always highly amusing, full of spontaneity and wittiness * a euphemism for bitchy bims*. its very raw. every line u read, u can see traces of her, imagine her expressions and her immediate responses to the things that are happening to her. the little mousey.

[sometimes her frustrations are very real n strangely familiar. i saw myself in her, i saw many other teens. teenhood- thats what we all have in common.
the constant search for identity, making choice, creating directions, solutions, to our problems, that to adults are just part and parcel of life, that they think its just a phase, that we'll grow out of it. yet most of the time, they area so wrong, tto think that what we need is time to grow up and out of it.
but hey, are we searching for an ans from your eyes?
no, we're not. more than often, we're looking for support and love and immense concern for us, to show that no matter wats happening out there, earthquake, torrential rain, terrorist attack, railway bombings, or as silly as, someone has dumped us, we have ditched someone, we have hurled stupid brainless vulgarities at our very own sisters/brothers. teachers almost made me wanna bury moi head in the soil or jus jump off the building because of the stress, you're still there for us.
is it so hard to for you to hid your smirk face? your mr know it all expression? using our weakness to accentuate your superiority? jus wave your hand infront of my face, and wave me off? wave all the problems? that we're so insignificant as compared to your work?
all we ever ask is, a little hug, a gentle whisper of good night, a warm nice meal as a family together, and not your incessant nagging and reprimande.

all i ever need was for you to say "its gonna be okie. i've faith in you to come out of it fine."
is it so difficult?
ha.]

not as good as xx, but still, one of the better blogs i've seen.
(check out xx latest entry. i almost fell off moi chair )

anyway *before i digress again*
i saw yuaniee's comment, and clicked and it took me to her old old lj blog. and the 2nd last entry was on gz performance in bugis.
and that entry jus reminded me how bitchy bimbo yuanniee is. and obviously, since im her friend, im like that toO! ha. how bitchy i have been last year.
and how i have so quickly forgotten i was once from nygz, the cca i hated.
it was just bitter. the bitter part of something that i always try to hide. of course it did hurt moi pride and made me a more cynical person. and i know its their loss but hell, a stab on the heart, is a bad stab. it bound to create repercussions and of course, the wound will stay. its not easy to look pass it. but again, i tried to live with that. and constantly hanging out with those ppl against the commitee, and even committee ppl themselves are, my good friends, bitching ppl up there. i know thats terrible but, its one thing that change me greatly. i somehow forgotten who i am, and what m capable of. each opportunity striped away, it undermines my strength more and more. the aftermath, it isnt manifesting but its something you can observe eventually. and i know its not helping me at all, its not doing me any good. im fading more and more to the background, the ghost behind the stage. and it got so bad that 2 weeks before syf, i quitted. though i didnt put in time to practice. ( cazi cant be bothered, n, i know if i really want to master it, one day will do. its a, pretty easy piece.....unfortunately.) but, i refused to. i just dont want to submit to that. i didnt want to budge.
and the worst is, ha i've nv admitted, but i do feel ashame when i see those ppl up there. i am i am. of course. and it takes alot of courage to say hi and bye with a smile, pretending there nothing wrong. ha how shameless i was. a part of me wanted to say, sorry. a part of me wanted to say, ha, too bad man, luck aint on your side and in a competition, it takes more than luck.
i contested fiercely to be the VP of that cca, but i didnt get it. and it was really nitemarish, with 3 ppl, who have never played that instrument before to be in power. it was chaotic. manytimes, i know what they were doing, wont reap the most yield. i tried rendering help, but it was difficult, because i dont know wat role am i taking on. and i felt weird, like, you're not the pres, dun give ppl pressure and what? are you trying to say you're damn smart? that was how i feel and slowly, i stop mingling, stop trying to help, and to kill time, we bitch. ha.

and it was only this year, that i realise, i recieved the highest vote to be the next VP among the students. many voted for me, i think probably more than 70%? but in the end, guess who was the one who changed my fate? the teacher. thanks man.
i have no idea what the hell is she thinking, and what the hell she thinks she can do. she's so new to this freaking cca, yet she wants to make her voice heard and worst, determines who take up wat post. im disgusted. does she means to say that all those years that i have spent in sec sch, to bring moi cca to greater heights are all facade? i mean, if you say you dont really know me, at least take the fucking initiative to knoe me, or find out more before you dive into a conclusion. til this day, i find it utmost unfair. and whenever i see her, i pretend not to. respect is a show of your character. but i tell you, i have a micro heart thats too narrow to allow respect, even a hypocritical smile is out of the question.

at least, the present president, whom i have nominated and campaigned for, talked to most of the committee ppl, and psycho them to see his capabilities, is producing results.

but still, i am stillas bitter as before when i think of it.
disgusted.

nygz.
ha.

cmi.

Hair Color Should be?

2005-12-22T10:35:00.000+08:00

Your Hair Should Be White

Classy, stylish, and eloquent.
You've got a way about you that floors everyone you meet.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

yummie

2005-12-22T10:28:00.000+08:00

You Are Karamel Sutra

Plain on the outside, but once someone gets in, they're stuck

What Flavor Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Are You?

heh..my bro's result.

2005-12-22T10:19:00.000+08:00

Your Power Color Is Indigo

At Your Highest:

You are on a fast track to success - and others believe in you.

At Your Lowest:

You require a lot of attention and praise.

In Love:

You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are.

How You're Attractive:

You're dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic.

Your Eternal Question:

"Does This Work Into My Future Plans?"

What's Your Power Color?

YES, i force my brother to do it, to satisfy my innate bo-liaoness plus curiosity.

ha.

i think its accurate for my brother, but he disagree with me. well i like to believe he's living in self denial.

blehs. :P

watever.

updates.

2005-12-21T08:18:00.000+08:00

you know how i love to bookmark this link, that link?
(im not sure if u guys like it, but yup, i sure do. )
anyroad, after a few months plus of bookmarking, adding links to my "FAVourite",
its a super long list now and all the links that i usually read, are all over the place, and it gets quite annoying caz you need to read, reread, read, reread, the list of bookmarks, inorder to click the desired one.
SO, i decided to group them properly and "create new folder" many times.
and usually, my folder's name will be simply: shopping, blog, gp, lit, info.
this time, i wanted to spice things up and use some of my creativity/crappish brain cells..

now, you'll see,
Highheelwoes = shopping
ImportDoc = important links.
Funkyyrice = obviously it should have been funkylyrics, but i thot the typo error looks more arty farty. so, its funkee.rice. lols.
Controversial = as the name suggest. or in other words, they are links that i cant categorise, yet its a pity to delete them, caz they are quite, DIfferent. ha.
Shakey n Friends = *rotf + *Lol. its actually shakespeare and friends..all his poetic friends.
BigNewsBigBrains = News Links, like...ST? FP? Newsweek? ecologist?.....
Feast4Is = feast for the eyes. image search engine. not porn hor.
Moovee = Movies. you see, we have, TeeVee? = TV. so movie = MooVee= MV. heh.
Thats all.

do you know, the bigger the brain, the smarter u are, the less potent u are? lolsss!
thats why savagers? with mini brain, pea size, or even smaller, are SO POTENT!
and they are like, having sex the whole day long. thats so disgusting. i hate savagers. yucks.
horny bastards.

i have been busy going out last two weeks. and yes i still have alot of ppl haven meet up. and they are ppl im dying to see. but damnit. if i keep going out, theres no way i'll finish my hmwork. and guess wat? i haven started! lolsss!

so, i've stop smsing since sunday. and been packing my room, tidying it up. and finally. im almost done. i took dunno how many days. you know, i dont have patient to do it all at one shot, like sit there and clean up for 12 hrs straight? and you got to know, im always cleaning up moi room. but im always messing it up too. so this time round, im damn smart, i dump all those cutsey ornaments into a box. and...they are really alot, a mountain of them. and now, theres nothing on moi table at. ALL. woohoos. well, now now, its quite hard to mess up the room again.
(except, worksheets and more worksheets piled up on the floor. collecting dust. )

and i've been going out with moi brother. he's doing his last project, and well, HE ASKed me for HELP! hhahahahhahahahahahahah ego inflated a hundred times. hahahahhahahahaha
well he cant live without me. i know it.
so yupyup helping him, giving him suggest, teaching him how to MAKE USE OF LOCAL LIBRARY. and u know wat? im the one LOOKing for those books, and going to the lib, using moi damn card, borrow for him, and, RETURN for him. he ought to appreciate this little sister.
and the best part, we went out the other day, AND HE BOUGHT A FREAKING GLAMO bracelet for his gf, moi erms, sister-in-law. mic. and its like 300 plus? for christmas. and what did his little sister get? and wats more, i've been helping him all this while, and his sis have been trying her best to make a hell outta his life. see? wats good being little miss goody? its always like that. this bad habit runs in the family. when you're one nice sweet soul, always ready to serve? ppl always take advantage of you. suckit. and those ppl, never learn their lesson.
and wat makes me more mad is, he bought that SK bracelet for her, and. he still owes me 200 b ucks. oh great. and expect me to give him discount. wah lau eh. siaossss.

and i have been busy listening to 98.7. sobsob. caz i can no longer dl songs from net..........and am too broke to afford Cdss............soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 98.7 is all that im left with.

songs that rock:
confession of a broken heart
better day
dreamer
you raise me up
when you say you love me
so beautiful
LOVE
tricks?
break down
goodbye
dirty harry! its so cheeky lah!!
mariah's
eminem's
gorillaz's

im suck back into the pop culture.!!!!
wat a disgrace!
oops.

i find tatu's song annoying,yet im singing along when i hear it. lolss wat a loser.
*tsktsk*

sobsssssssssssssss!

and regarding moi perm hair.
yeah, its pretty nice.
and you know..before i perm it.
i was telling moi friends,
"hey! im gonna perm moi hair!"
immediate response, " NO!!!! dont!!! u'll look weird!"
but still i did it.
and thank god, i look fine.

anyway its very straight now. its so difficult to maintain.
if u want to see that perm again, wait til the last month of 2006.
ha.

now, i look T_E_R_R_I_B_L_E.

oh! theres this auntie said i look like m oi mum! i was so happie to learn that! i always thot i look like moi dad, and 'll go to moi mum, whining " mama! why are you so pretty and im so ugly!? why dont i look like you but daddy!?" then she'll laff, and not comment. then i'll start going to everyone's room and complain. "why!? why!?"
and moi dad will say, "xiang wo you she mer bu hao?"
"fei hua, of course bu hao lah!"

*pengs.*

and moi bro will be gleeing away.

THEN! the other day, oh, its just yesterday.
me and bro went to buy brownie! plus ice cream! so we can charm our mama with our, super brownie sundae.
we were in this cake shop, then i said i want 4 brownie. but since each is 2 bucks, bro said lets get 5. okie. so we got five. den the auntie saw me holding a recipe book, and took it, and ask " girl u interested in baking ah!?"
hahaha yes i do.
then i said i was going to bake fruit cake for mama this christmas. then she ask if i've gotten the ingredients. and nope i have not. so she FLip thru her namecard book, and show me a name card with the address, took a piece of paper, and scribble the add plus phone no. suggesting that i go there to buy the ingredient caz its cheap and good.

*pengs* this kinda kind auntie still exist!?

then, because the box use to contain the brownies can contain max 6 brownies. so, ( we bough 5 brownies?) she gave us ONE MORE BROWNIE for free!

and, studied both moi bro and moi faces, and said, " you two dont look alike!"
and i giggled giggled. then,
she repeated that again in disbelief.
at the back of moi mind im thinking, "thank god we dont look alike!"
hahaha!

eh i think rainbow colour scheme erm. sucks.
its so static/typical.
but i lack creativity at the moment, so just bear with it.

:)

Whats Your Power Color.

2005-12-20T08:15:00.000+08:00

Your Power Color Is Lime Green

At Your Highest:
You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary.
At Your Lowest:
You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in.
In Love:
You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated.
How You're Attractive:
Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room.
Your Eternal Question:
"What else do I need in my life?"

What's" Your Power Color?

gibberishing.

2005-12-16T23:20:00.000+08:00

excuse MOI,
can i say something?

fuck.
oh please dont show me your attitude, because you know what? i have a problem with that too, and i find it fucking annoying today. oh hell i have a life too man. and the last thing i need is for you to screw it up for me.

and im turning in soon, 30min before the clock strikes 12 midnite.
why?
been hopeful the whole night, hoping nothing will worsen the already pretty terrible day. fortuantely it didnt. but neither did it round up my night in a good note.
oh well, be contented fuck isnt whirling in my head anymore.

and you know what?
i did the most terrible thing today.
damnit.

i saw him today, and he saw me with someone today.
omg.
what have i done again this time round?
i think i jus slit thru his throat.
and i could see all the eyes, glaring at me.

scary.

some people deserve to die.
and of course, thats me.

hello? can someone dying to kill please look me up?
im dying to die.

ha, how irresponsible of me.

but you know what? im sick and tired of all this shit. the voice in my head keeps bugging me the whole day long, and the incessant complaints of the tiniest thing. its terrible living with a mind that overworks, that screams at you. why do i think i have another sister, another self living in my head, and its getting louder and louder. how do keep her mouth shut? that fucking bitch living in my head.
one day, when i cant stand her, i'll jus bang moi bloody head against the wall.

and you know? i want summer to last forever. i hate winter.
its so frigging cold.

You're unbelievable.

2005-12-16T21:22:00.000+08:00

are you out of your mind??

thursday with Margaret.

2005-12-16T00:42:00.000+08:00

you know, this is like one of the best hols ever.
(actually every year has been a good one, busy with cca, except last year i guess.)
and having all moi pals graduated from jc, they are as free as birds and have so much time for me. the past few months have been difficult without them..

met up with all my good sisters recently..and i miss them! love them!

then some arsehole have to pangseh me. thanks man.
the only person that ever PS me, is of course, my right butt. the only sister i love and hate at the same time.
anyway somethings not right with her today. dont knoe whats that. but hope those dark clouds will disperse soon.

drank 2 glasses of margarita, and thats it. im quite drunk.
but quite high. like the adrenaline.

sadly the day ended with a bad note.

"are you okie?"

oh damnit, for christ sake. of course im okie. and being drunk doesnt really affect me. its just that i dont want to send mix signals and cause this misunderstanding which i should gratefully thank you for being so careful and so thoughtfully, keeping an arm length away. i can feel it. and its disturbing and, yes im disgusted. who the hell do you think you are?
seriously, i dont give a damn. get lost.
and the fact im blogging abt just doesnt justify that you mean anything.
im just fuming away.
how did i let myself ended up in this ditch? eeil. stinky.
( but still i told you im drunk, because i do not know want you to think im missincrediblyimpossible. )

okie im feeling better. cause i saw a very pretty tea party invitation. hahaha
sometimes people are so creative in small ways it impresses and amuses me.

time of the tea party, after sunset.
haha

a good laugh for today.

i hate school.

2005-12-14T22:40:00.000+08:00

school has become more and more unbearble n insufferable these days.
you know, i dont want to study no more.
fuck those bitches..

those bitches trap in me.

i am throwing a tantrum, an ugly one, an excruciating one.
i need anger management.
i'm becoming more and more malicious day by day.

heart's hardening.
i can feel it.
im afraid of it,
but desire it and, no intention to salvage whats left.

heartbreaker.

2005-12-14T22:23:00.000+08:00

do not let your mature mind deceive you in believing you have a mature heart.

what governs our heart and mind?
does it matter if we have a mature mind or mature heart?
how do we measure maturity? esp maturity of heart, maturity of a disobedient heart?
when will our heart be obedient? and follows our mind?
is this a course to master the art of controlling one's heart?

when they pile up, up up to the sky, i hardly know what to expect next.

love, perhaps.

2005-12-08T08:06:00.000+08:00

he: dont go! dont ever ever go! come back! please please please come back!.....
his love was pure, she was everything to him, the entire universe.
and when you leave, dont ever come back, and if you do, at least show that you once loved. it doesnt matter if we cant go on. but reassure me, oh please, that the last drop of love i tasted was real. its real isnt it? isnt it?

she: i'll never come back. love was sweet and the taste still lingers. but No, i cant go back. fame and wealth, i need them more than ever. for once, love didnt matter much to me. you're my ugly past, a weak and soft side of me. no, i need to erase this past, worst than a birthmark, you're stuck in my mind, keeping me away from my memories. they, i dare not go near, the door to my past, i stay away as much as possible. He, i've come to learn to love.
she loved him, no doubt, but she loves fame and wealth more, for a second, a second long enough to let her taste success, and never come back again. her new love, it was easier to love love and fame together. to love love and poverty, thats difficult.

circus master carassing her, stroking her hair, fingers tracing her pretty face, again and again, eyes staring straight into space, what was on his mind, like a tumor, kept growing n breathing and growing. soon, his mind would explode. meanwhile, she lies on his lap, eyes turned away from him, she stares blankly. his fingers on her skin, no longer sends any sensation. she feels nothing, mind preoccupied. like him, theres a tumor in her head,fully grown, waiting for the right time, to spread and invade other parts of her body...

they are together, yet their eyes refuse to meet. skin to skin, deep in thots,
he: how could she betray me, how am i gonna keep her by my side, win her back
she: who should i be with, should i tell him? does he knows? why do i see betrayal in his eyes..
in a way, their minds are communicating, trying to read each other mind.
i wonder, why cant they open their mouth n talk abt it..
the silent pain, upon realising you have been betrayed, you cant even talk abt it, or take any action. pretending nothing is wrong, every breath seems to choke and hurt ur throat.
the silent pain, like a razor slicing your skin, again and again.

his love was pure, like melting pointing of an pure ice.
pure ice melts at 0 degrees.
when in love, he gives his all, everything. and when she leaves, she brought nothing with her, but took away everything of his.

his love was a mixture of love and pride and companionship.
the melting point of an inpure ice.
he probably know that himself.
wat he wanted was a sense of security and familiarity.
love? you can always try to cultivate that again.

THIS IS AN INCOMPLETE ENTRY,
but i cant go on anymore.

complete thots, incomplete entry. its kinda hard to put them in words. sorry dudes.

readers.

2005-12-05T07:27:00.000+08:00

hey people! if you have not read the previous entry, DO SO NOW! ha!
moi rightbutt has complimented that entry!
" its a beautiful entry!"
so, you better read it.

:)

WARNING, this is going to be a very long entry.

firstly,
oh my gosh, im such a loser. im losing it. i know. but i have not told anyone yet. i have not been blogging not because i m too busy or nothing to blog. in fact i have too much to write, but they are all long entries that the thought of sitting here for another hour, doesnt appeal to me.

i finally have the chance to talk, my best soulmate is of course the, you-know-who.
and all this while those thots running thru my mind have been proven correct.

a part of me has died. i've grown up way fast. im losing it. and im not lost, im not even confuse. im just more cynical than ever, and, i just want to be alone. the walls keep caving in and i see no way out. im stuck. STUCK.

i know i really have not have the chance to talk to you all properly abt me. you probably have notice, im pretty weird lately, or well, this year. i haven exactly been myself. or that my entries dont match the person you're seeing during our gatherings.

i cant help it.

you know this place that we're living? every inch of it, is full of crap. what underlies all this high rise buildings, are complicated problems within the family, the race, the country, that we all choose not to say or are all immune to it. we turn a blind eye, or not bothered by those problems. who are we? where have we gone so wrong? its practically soul-less. do you talk to your neighbours? do you talk to your kids? do you talk to strangers on the bus? the train? do you say thank you all the time? do you find it annoying when someone approach you to explain their products, do you give a face? do you appreciate life of a student?
certainly, higher level of education doesnt equate to higher EQ.
grades dont define you and certs wont last you longer than 5 years.

i know theres something wrong with our education.
one stark mistake, it didnt prepare us for the working environment out there.

we all hope when you all start working, your heart would not turn hard, becoming selfish, competitive and cynical.

there are alot of wolves out there..
always be on the guard, dont let them have the chance to strike, nor let your heart turn hard.

i didnt. thats good.
and from there, i am really sure what i want to be.
you know how i used to dream of being a designer, someone thats successful in this line? and perhaps earn 4 to 5 k a month?
but now, i just want to be a sociology, doing research or a social worker, or a teacher, or a marriage consultant, someone that can help people ard her.
so what if i earn only 1 or 2k a month?
i dont care. at least i enjoy what im doing, at least..im away from those wolves..
i want to preserve my goodness and integrity..

all those things we learn in sch, they are quite useless unless you're going to be some scientist or mathematicians. yet moral values are seldom taught or discussed.
how ready are our kids to survive here?
its no wonder many have turned to religion these days.
they are swept away by the waves, lost and confused.
its not such a great world out there, jerked out of their bed of roses one day, and they cant go back. well, they are torn away from their bed.
ha.

its a terrible terrible place.

we have a generation of materialistic people who dream too big, and when it doesnt come true, their disillusion stays, realities become too bitter to swallow, they go mad.
many people are in fact going bankrupt here. im not talking abt your parents, but people in the 30s with kids studying in primary schools. they are the people in trouble.
and when i was working, i saw those OLs coming to buy my products. they were like people in the mid 20s, yet they are spending like no one's business. and i wonder, dont you need to save up for your future? your child education? standard of living is rising here, only because, people are bolder in spending, though they actually dont earn more. they just learn to enjoy their new lifestyle which is so dangerous, threatening their future. u keep spending and spending, when will you ever be prepared to raise a child?
and, why are there people not willing to set up a family? wats wrong? why are there people so self centered?? arnt we educated people? even when i speak to those ite and poly students.. really, besides knowing whats acid and alkaline. whats algebra and geometry. what else? besides going online chasing girls? wats on their mind? why are we not thinking? why cant you see theres so many problems in this nation? ( im not saying we're the worst. even this very modern and almost ideal city, is complicated, wat about the other hundred over countries? its more complex and complicated...)

i spoke to my collegues, a few of them are malays. and they know what im talking abt. thers very high divorce rate among them. because, they married young, without financial stability, blahblahblah ( alot more ). so they end up divorcing after having a child. if they are not going to do something abt their community, they will remain like that. can you kindly help yourself?
if you're interested to know abt it, i ENCOURAGE YOU. there are alot alot of problems within this community. it frightens me to know how different our neighbours could be from us and how "harmonious" this country is.

i dont know man..
maybe im spending too much time thinking of all these, but a part of me has died.
i stop talking abt all this. whats there to talk abt? its not gonna help. talk to you all abt it? i dount you're keen to hear it anyway. butwatever the case is, im gonna serve, and, do something meaningful.

ive grown too old and i feel old and mouldy n rusty.

if you ask me why am i living, i have no idea.
die now. im too afraid to take my life, futhermore, you love me, dont you? lols.

i said, am i right to be pessimistic or am i being too cynical to be so pessimistic. is this world too complicated and heinous or its just me thinking that way.
and you agreed with me. indeed, its a pretty hopeless place.
and we know we're decieving ourself. the only reason that we're still alive is HIM.

i asked him, "imagine this, you have a piece of A4 paper. its actually a very pure and white piece of paper. then, this grey ink drop from no world, creating a little dot on the paper. you take a cup and cover it. imagine yourself, living in the cup. when you look down, you see a large white space and a little dot, if you focus too much on the grey spot, it will actually spread like a disease, becomes darker, and darker, becomes black, then it spreads and spreads, and soon, the area within the cup, which you're trapped in, its all black. you;re pessimistic. but hey, lift up that cup, and its just a big large black spot ON the WHITE PIECE of paper. many times, we failed to lift up the cup, we let ourself be trapped in the cup. but actually, if you try to find your way out, you'll see a lot more opportunities and hope.

well this wat i think..but you know who countered and said, the piece of paper, should be black. and we;re waiting for the day that it will turn white.

well i dont know who's right. but yup, this is a terrible place.
we;re deceiving ourselves, but no worries, i wont take my life.
live on.

right now, i need more space than ever.

working 7 +++

2005-11-28T08:39:00.000+08:00

yeah, im finally back after a short break. was pretty busy with work and spending more time with family.

theres no place like home.

indeed. im so sheltered and safe here.
though i have my gloomy days, stormy weather, at least, i know they still care and love. but once you're out of this safety zone, the waves are so ferocious, they gonna swallow you whole. not even gonna break and chew your bones.
im still scare of the future, but isnt life abt finding solutions each time you're stuck? its quite pathetic to live actually. some say, find happiness in small ways, trivial things. wat? kids? and because of them, you work hard. because they're part of you. (thats when we enter adulthood). and when you;re young? you choose not to die for your parents, for people you care. but does their love equivalent to the mental torture, here in this world?
i know this sounds really pessimistic.
i rather im not born.
but since im here,
im just not ready to selfishly end my life and make others cry. not that im that significant, but well,
i want to believe, they love me. so
hanging there.

i like this working experience.
i didnt learn much new skills, but i've grown up abit more, and yes, i speak with more hesitance than ever.
if you dont really know me, you probably dont like talking to me. because whatever you say, i have a whole list of other things to point out to you and you probably get tired and irritated hearing them. but oh well, when you need to talk, im here.

anyway, i just wanna say,
SANDY AND JOEY
:)

BIG HUG, plus lots of kisses.

you know how badly i have missed all my friends during their As period. they were battling, while i was working, praying, keeping myself busy. very much alone. but i quite like being alone. the last thing i want is to rake my brain and try to make anyone else see my point. forcing down their throat doesnt help. you gotto experience it.

anyway..... finally As is over and i got to meet my butts (san n jo) on friday. they came to visit me in suntec, and we have dinner together after that.
of course i suggested we go to outback, caz i was too tired to go anywhere else and i m in no mood to walk ard and search for another place that offer that cozy quite ambience. so OUTBACK was the ultimate choice.

thats our3rd or 4th trip therE? and im falling for it.

we talked a little, brickered over what food to order, silly whiney me, very chin chai joey, and ms drama queen san.
usually there will be alot of laughter. and i have anticipated this trip for a very long time. gonna tell them abt my job, fill them in, drown them with tons of information. and for them to fill me in with their own life.
there were times we kept quiet? drinking, eating, munching, chewing, in deep thots. it was unlike the previous time where we laff like mad, so excited, cant even take a breather between conversation. we just got to talk.
but hell no for this time. my prepared list of things to say disappeared, non existence in my brain. i just keep looking at them, observing them, realising how time have flown and how we have changed. deep in my heart, i really wanted to give them a hug, a comfort for myself, that we survived 2005. a very rough and tough year. many weird strange things cropped up, intercepted our life suddenly. a emotional and physical turmoil, but here we are, still alive. secrets grown darker and deeper, but we're more naked than ever in these eyes of whom we believe in.
we let our soul free.
in them, i found solace, comfort and love.

i know how much we have aged, how much we have matured, and to have them with me now again, the feeling is overwhelming.
during the silence, we drifted into our own thots, recalling bits and peices of memories that are worth sharing, yet we're not intimidated by the silence, generally comfortable with it. its a very slow night that allow us an enormaous room to reflect and speak of our regrets or achievements.
and even if it means being naked, i feel so comfortable without any cloth, revealing bare skin, and beautiful flaws, that remind us of who we truly are. scars are symbolies of pain, yet a life is incomplete without pain and torment.
scars represent us, our own very story.
adore it, lick it, kiss it.

i learnt to love myself, sisters, families, friends.

be strong, for those that who love you.

i'll let you come in, if you prove you can understand and care and love, yet, humbly listen without offering painful solutions or being overly protective.

this is my life, this is my problem.
dont offer my solutions, because, they're too painful and disturbing.
i aint no saint. i aint no angels.
im only a human, im only a child,
preserving my integrity and goodness for the world, we try to love.
a child in knight's armour,
fighting other dark knights, monsters and ghost.

no matter how wounded i may be,
its alright, i'll stand up and fight again, until my heart stops pumping, hungry to live on.
just love me, love my life as a knight, with many scars.
but do not stop me from being who i am, or hidding my scars.
they're part of me.

dont try to save me, because you cant. dont assume you can.
it really is my life, you cant fight for me, you cant even stand the sight of monsters, cruelty and brutality.
how can you fight for me?

i say, fight with me, use your soul, and fight with me. let me feel your presence when im battling against them, let me have more strength to kill them once and for all, hack their head off and not harrasse me anymore.

[[i know you love, but dont turn it into a poison. poisonous love will do us both no good. because your love, i stood up high and strong, even with the world on my shoulder, i feel no burden but more strength. thats how important you are to me, but please, oh please, dont let you love turn into a poison. the poison is a concoction of too much love, too much concern, over protective and obssession. it will only drift me futher away from you.

do not leech on my wound, let them heal on their own, time, is the only factor. your constant worries and close examinations of the wound will only pain me, my incapablity of letting you smile again. dont let your love turn into anxieties and worries, which will only futher weigh me down. i appreciate them. n for that, i want you to be happy.

its a miracle how people who are so deprive, can give so much more to others. we will not give into our fate and let ourself down. instead, we fight and give more love, truth will be told one day. love will survive. ]]

pray for me, be there to wipe off my sweat, let me hide behind you when the rest of the world scrutinises me.
keep me safe as and when i need.
dont worry for me.
just keep loving me.
thats all i ask of you.

:)

and i think i've found you.

thanks.
i wont say thank you very much, dismisses all formalities,
for dear friend, you know me by heart.
you know who i am beneath the heavy rusty worn out armour.

hahahaha
dear friend, you heard that?

where do you find your beyoutee?

2005-11-22T08:37:00.000+08:00

Your beauty lies in your soul.

There are so many unlike you in this world. You're
like a very rare diamond. No, diamonds can't
shine as much your soul.

Your motive:

To help others in need and maintain happiness
withen others around you.

Your quote:

If you fall either I fall with you or I'll catch
you pull you back up.

Your colors:

Silver and Gold

Your song:

Wings of a Butterfly - HIM

"Come on and show them your love. Rip out the
wings of a butterfly."

Where do You Find Your Beauty? (Gorgeous Pictures and Touching Results)
brought to you by Quizilla

A level side effects.

2005-11-20T11:25:00.000+08:00

omg omg omg!!!!!
i cant wait for thursday to come!!!!
oh please oh please, make it fast!!!!!
i cant believe this lah!!! im not even taking that bloody As paper, but im darn excited lah!!!!
damnit damnit!!

hahahahahahahhaha

thursday thursday..!!!
we need to DO MAJOR SHOPPING AND PLAYING. *as if i;ve taken As..*
and i miss all moi DARLINGS!!!!!!

tsai last paper was on friday.
and she actually sms me the next day, and said that..
"hey i know you're working, will be busy shopping for prom these few days, will shun bian help u look out for prom dress."

yuaniee on, wed? hey girl, will help me look out for prom dress when she shops with pearl after exam.

pearl, curl it or not? suppose to meet her on thursday.

louise, smsed immediately after her As, friday night,
hey lets go K box next week!!!

im like, uh..working..free after last day of NOV.

ohmygosh.

IM SO FREAKING EXCITED

AND JOEY ( my left butt) smsed me today!!!!!

sobsobsobs
i miss them DEARLY!!!!!!!!!!

sobsob sniffsniff

Nine Million Bicycles
by Katie Melua

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing,
Thats a fact,
It's a thing we cant deny,
Like the fact that i will love you till i die.

We are twelve billion light years from the edge,
Thats a guess,
No one can ever say its true,
But i know that i will always be with you.

I'm warm by the fire of your love everyday,
So dont call me a liar,
Just believe everything that i say.

There are 6 billion people in the world,
More or less,
And it makes me feel quite small,
But your the one that i love most of all.

Way high on a wire with the world in our sight,
And i'll never tire of the love that you give me every night,

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing,
Thats a fact,
It's a thing we cant deny,
Like the fact that i will love you till i die.

And there are nine million bicycles in Beijing.
And you know that i will love you till i die.

regrets

2005-11-20T08:59:00.000+08:00

sorry to hurt you that way.
though you dont hold it against her,
"she's just a child, she doesnt know me well enough"
but no,
she has to apologise.

i couldnt even see your charm anymore.
our dream of flying to the moon, away from here.
where are you now?

2005-11-18T23:10:00.000+08:00

98.7 ( 11.20 pm )

*so take these words, and sing out loud, cause everyone, is forgiven now, cause tonight's the night the world begins again*

*SCREAMSS!!! ITS GOOGOODOLLS!*

working 6

2005-11-18T10:40:00.000+08:00

when you're bitch, theres no way of denying it man.
and thats what i am now.
a total bitch.
ask me if you really wanna know.

damnit.

and the worst part is, im enjoying it man.
downright whore-ish.

was reading blogss and blogss and chatted with pearl while.

its kinda funny to watch her fuss abt her hair.
to curl it? or not to.
yeah i've been thinking of that too, cant wait to curl my hair.
and hey, im liking my shoulder length hair.
haven have my hair this long..since sec1?
thats really a very long time.
when i first chopped my hair in pri6, i felt nothing.
i have no idea why some feel the pain when they chop their hair n i felt nothing.
maybe i just cant be bothered.
its DEE sch rules.

anyway, i dun know how to ask moi boss to give me off on 25nov and 29.. thats like 2 days ? in a week? and im taking my theory test on 29th, and im not even prepared for it man. this really sucks caz i dun wan to take it again.. well it hink if i have to retake, im like a bimbo with no brain lah. yucks. lets pray and pray and pray i'll rmb everything i have studied.
was trying to psycho my dad to teach me how to drive. but he refused me.
*ouch*
its hurts man. even ur own dad thinks you're hopeless.
ah thanks.
well nvm, i'll jus gonna spend his money n sign up for classes.
if you're not gonna teach me, you gonna feel the pinch.
blehs. =PpPP
i'll make sure he regrets.

oh damnit!!!!!
98.7 is playing the song i like now!
*i hope this old train breaks down, so i can take a walk now*
........
........
*i need this old train to break down, oh please just let me [please break down*

yeah!!!!
apparently, i cant dl any songs now..so im quite miserable....
sobsobsssss that means, i need to tune into 98.7...ALWAYS
not that i mind! i love it. but hello, its musicless over at moi work place.

guess what? okie another bitchy thing.
i spent the whole day chatting y esterday.
how irresponsible.
but seriously
the other day when i was alone promoting, from 10.30 to 9.30 thats a friggin 11 hrs,
no one walked by the counter, and I DESPERATELY walked into the crowd and tried to intro moi product to aunties, who, all, didnt give a damn lah. chi bi men geng. ( getit? having doors slammed right infront of you.) i looked like an idiot.
i spent 90% of moi time promoting, and no sales. 10% came to me automatically and i manage to close the deal.
lesson learn, DONT BOTHER APPROACHING peeps, cause they have never heard of moi product. watevver man. im just so suay. but i have a part timer with me yesteday.
its kinda fun and we have lots to talk. i have poly friends and jc, but never ite. now i have. and a few. its kinda interesting to hear them talk abt their life. its cool. i like it. its like a step closer to being a sociologist. ( well i probably will be a marriage consultant. lols)
its interesting to know what our teens are thinking these days.

btw, i think i have changed drastically. i mean everyone changes, but i think events triggered other side of me, and somehow nah, im not so serious anymore. im not sure if thats a good thing. because when im not depress, im probably being bitchy. and unless im busy with moi cca, being a super nice person, almost saint like, i'll let moi natural whore-ish personality take control.

sians.

oh, yes i spoke to a friend there other day. hey, i think theres nothign wrong with homo man.
come on people, just love what you love. dont hesitate.
you'll overcome all odds. no worries k darlings?

moi blogger friends ( friends who blog )
VAN, CARRIE, YUTING, PEARL.

ting's blog is the funniest, the most hilarious.
van's blog is the bitchiest.

and high readership is the result of extreme boredom especially during exam. who in their right mind will blog !? ha
but u guys did.

i found my little brother's blog-kenneth.

k, blog i've read this morning.
ting,
carrie,
van,
pearl,
alyssa,
kenneth,
ian,
weng,
xx,
BOB!,
zying,
leen,
thats all.

okie im way too random.
ciaos.

---------------------------------------------------------

sales have been really bad!!! because they chose a lousy place!!! that in the first place, doesnt even sell our product lah!!!! madness!!!! what the hell are they thinking!!!!! and i feel like a donk most of the time. duh~
oh lord, let time FLIES at the speed of light!!!! the boredom and slacking is poisoning me!!! im toxicatd!!!!!
damnit!!!!
and how i hate to see myself slacking but i hate it more when customers just cant be bothered with me. hello! my product is good! you're missing something that can save your SKIN.
but uh, wahtever its your loss.
blehsss =PpPPPpP

sighs!

yucks.

working 5

2005-11-17T09:00:00.000+08:00

alright, im fickle-minded, but hey im back in the arms of 98.7.
they are playing alicia's somepeople? ( cant rmb the title )..
the mutton show is irresistable, haha so im in their fan club now.
and guess what, i dread going to work,
because they're making me work 10.30 to 9.30, thats a freaking 11 hours, i DONT WANT TO..
and yeh, im behaving like a spoilt brat. blahsss.
anyway im going at work at 1pm.
hahahaha.
i have my way.
lala~~~~

for once, i slept more than 8 hours! wee!

anyroad its already 17! i have like, hmmm 13 more days to go. 2 weeks in short.
oh man, how i wish they'll be nice and put me back in amk lor......
though that place is super messy, COMPLICATED. and i dont wish to be implicated into the whole politik. but well i wont let my wits let me down. ha.
avoid confrontation at all times cause it doesnt help, and since they like to call me, "xiao meimei" then be it so lor. actually they quite fear me...cause they always think im abt 20 odd, until that day i went there in my uniform, it hink all of them got a SHOCK. okie yeah watever man.
ha and from then on, xiao meimei keeps ringing in my ears.
oh thanks man.

13 more dayss!! yeepee
please, i hate this week.
please, i really dun wish to go back that place,
but no, they say i got to stay there til sunday,
freaking sunday,
4 more days,
= hell.
shit man.
screwed.

if i go there, i sitll have time for makeup...blahblah.
andalot more.

lets all put our hands together, and
PRAY.
lets hope,
it, RAIN LIKE CATS N DOGS.
heehee.

sorry, this week i dont wish to sell, its too challenging.
its a tough crowd out there.
that doesnt understand my english, nor, my shitty chinese.
no, its not that my chi isnt good, but tell me,
whats melanin in chi?
wats wrinkle, anti ageing, black head, white head, pores, non comedogenic, melanocyte?
a whole list of words, and of course i know the chi terms, but i cant say them fast enough or fluent saying them.
so...

aunties all dun like me!!!!!
*herffff!!!*

im like that stupid salesgirl approaching them lah.
and i so hate it lah....!!!!!!
im so desperate.
yeh, im a desssperrrradddo.

*purrrrr*
i saw that stupid soya bean advertisement yesterday! (the one tong was telling me abt )
you have this stupid whitish catwomen, holding the soya bean bottle, saying, "purrr"
slaps forehead. what a lousy ad..
damn useless.
its not selling information, like saying, drink this, soya bean will help u ..blahblah..(all the information )
ITS SELLING IMAGE, drinking this soya, will make u look like that catwomen, skinny and whitish ( pure), im like WATEVER LOR!!!!!
seriously, goodness, wat a lousy image to sell lah!!!! and
its trying the sophiscated way of marketing, but really, that is very CMI.
*pengs*

please, i hope something better come up next time..
thats really, meaningless and...mockable advert.

faints.

....i want to listen to baby goodbye, train? and googoo doll!

oh, harry potter is finally out, TODAY!
i wanna watch too.. ( im not a fan, jus curious. )

not an entry.

2005-11-15T09:02:00.000+08:00

baby goodbye ?
train?
googoo doll better day?
crazy?

rubbish.

2005-11-13T10:09:00.000+08:00

well im back to normal. no more depression.

now i long for my bed home trackies school books.

its so boring there..then watching collegues bitching one another, back stabbing each other..
the place im in now, is HAVOC.
ha
but its none of my business though on my very first day there, i got scolded by a collegue. but, WHATEVER. then ling pearl and YUANiee, my so called surprise of the day, came to visit me. and i spent my lunch break shopping with them in my high heels. *kinda regret though*
but yeah, i miss lots of ppl. like, LOTS. ha.
everday on the bus, iwll think abt wat im gonna do after my work and their As.

1. have to reply yeehui;s friendster msg, regarding pri sch gathering. im suppose to go. ya probably so, caz im so noisy right?. and of cuz fill them in abt my work life.
2. pri sch gathering.
3. As kids. but there are so many cliques among them lah..i suggest we have a class outing or bbq before the guys go off for their bmt.
4. yes prom night. i haven have the time to shop for that.
5. of cuz, i have the Os to meet, nana mama and maybe yanbing. this is tricky.
6. yes, tong said gonna bring them to kalllang to eat, and how dare he cupped my ears so i cant hear what they say. WAH LAU EH. like whatever lah. hahaha. but still, i gonna be there. HOW CAN THEY LEAVE ME OUT!?!??!?! even if that idiot wants, the rest WILL WANT ME TO BE THERE. of cuz, im their precious. blehs.
7. must go out with nana n mama to k box. MUST. esp before nana goes off. and yes shop with her. i miss shopping with her.
8. van and yuan and maybe keni! ( miss van. and. her camera. )
9. ruirui weiyee and giak choon..!!!! nhgz gang MUST MEET UP.
10. valeriE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahaha i miss her tooooooooooooo and maybe moi geo class ppl, vale, kelly lisa hui qi ber. but i haven seen them for almost 2 yrs.
11. nhgz. nhgz. nhgz. so many of them. we have the xx batch and the sec 4 batch.
i suggest we should have a nhgz alumni gathering. heh. (sentosa again. maybe!) i miss xx and yian ling lah! that loud hailer. and that silly girl still smitten by that totally CMI bf of hers. blehs. we just dont like him.
12. MY BUTTS. sansan n jo ( baby giant!)
oh man, we gonna stay over, besides, her mum misses me. muahahhahahahahahhaha. she was like damn nice lah. she wanted to visit me when i was working. pengs. hahaha.
we gonna go outback again. go see that GUY. lol. then head over to san's place. mayb chiong some vcd. i cant rmb what we chiong the other time, but jo ends up sleeping. i end up...sleeping..sandy ends up? sleeping too. ha
13. visit moi collegues.
14. watch musical. i hope im in time for RENT. though im not sure too. aiya, hope i can go.
15. sam sam sam church church church
16. yes, meeting classmates, i haven been spending time with them..sighss
17. hmm did i miss out anyone?
18. OH YES. JULIE AND MY TWINS!!! elyse.
19. KENNETH OH!!!! and his present of course! heh. kenneth kenneth kenneth! ha.
20. oh right, theres one more ian. lols.
21. hmmmmmmmmi think thats all..shit man, 20? all in 30 days? SIGHS. i doubt i'll be able to meet up with so many. i have been busy for all my hols since sec sch i haven have time meeting up with pals and keep losing more and more. damnit.
22. BTW, my supervisor is super cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SUPER CUTE!!!!!

k, get ready for work.

Working 4 ( weakling )

2005-11-05T23:14:00.000+08:00

call me a cry baby, i dont care.
i just want to sit and cry.

this place is too terrible and i cant stand the ugliness of everyone else.
all those aunties, those promoters, they just make me wanna cry.

i cant stand it..
call me a weakling, whatever.

but the world is far from my ideal,
its so dark, all the creeps, just makes me want to give up and die now.
i find no purpose, i see no meaning.

all the back stabbing, bitching arguments just to make sure they get commission plus the job,
and how companies make their workers work so their product will have better sales records, has made us tend to our dark side.

knowing that its competitive outside, isnt enough.
have a feel of it.
i was swept into that race, unknowingly.
i didnt want to compete.
i just wanted to provide the clearest information for my customers.
yet, knowing my prod well, has became a threat to others.

fortuantely, im only a part timer.

but this is the life of promoter.

they say that some old promoter will even throw away new comer's testers..
you cant intrude their territories, else they'll make you regret for life.

its that bad.
its that scary.

im frighten.
yes i am.
very.

i can deal with bad temper customers, but not collegues.
i cant.
i dont have the capacity to do so.
though they have done anything to me.
just the thot of it, scare the hell out of me.

F n B, seniors will bully you, make you WASH TOILET..blahblah
even my pal, had a hard time at the beginning.
she was bubbly and polite and smart and pretty.
probably thats why people are so weary of her.
she was only accepted by collgues after a week.
A WEEK, in a place, where u sloth so hard and had no friends...
its terrible.

even schools, within department, teachers face different kind of pressure.
office? back stab. if you're the best, you gotto be weary of your back. because those at the bottom, or just below you, are all PRAYING waiting to see you fall.
just one mistake, and it may ruin you.

this is creepy.

im too paranoid to make anymove.
petrified.

i suddenly think i sounded so stupid all along..
to be talking abt the world, why are this or that system not yielding the expected results, why it failed, the flaws, what could have been done, all those measures. as if theoretical ans will solve it all.
but hell no.
its not so easy.
it seriously isnt.

when i told my parents all these, i just broke down and cry.
i couldnt understand why ppl have to be so selfish so cold so anxious to win, to be the best, obsesse with uncessary things.

i just want to find a rich husband and marry off.

i dont want to work.

yes, i cant stand hardship.
i cant stand the mental torment.

customers can spit at me, glare at me, bitch abt me, do whatever they want.
i can understand tat.

but collegues? hell no.
we're on the same boat, yet you're dying to get rid of me.
sorry, i cant take this kinda mental abuse.

im a weakling.
i admit.

i've entered the real world.
maybe im only half way thru.

shit man, im not ready for work.....

yes, im depress...

fuck man, this place really sucks.

working 3

2005-11-05T06:42:00.000+08:00

ah!!!!!
im biting moi lips finger nails squinting my eyes whatever!!!
just to stop myself from exploding.
THOSE AUNTIES ARE RIDICULOUS.

Customers?

NO.

MY COLLEGUES. ( collegues? i doubt so, just aliens happen to be there )

THEY ARE,..
" YOU"RE UNBELIEVABLE ".

i cant stand those people man!!!!

and im suppose to go to bugis today n tml,
now they change it to....*********
back there....

ACTUALLY I LOVE THAT PLACE,
sales were good.....
UNTIL..

THEY DECIDEd that i would be their,
promoter, by the SIDE.

meaning i have another Senior promoter with me.
and,
she has the WHOLE counter to her,
with the full range of products RIGHT BEHIND her.

while, i, miserably, only have counter, one product and nothing else.
guess what? im standing by the door, dont even know if customers are here for my products or for cosmetics, just RANDOMLY promoting.

( yeah, come to think of it, they [senior/full time] have quota to meet while i dont have...so even if i dun manage to sell anything its okie..but sorry, i just like to know i can sell..though i may be very *nen*--> chinese word, meaning very new to this profession and cant take hardship, at least i can promote my item okie? some customers thot i have been selling that product for a long time lor...and my tampee collegues, thot im a full time promoter,thats why i know my product so well..bloody hell..)

MADNESS.

obviously, when senior wasnt ard, i have the whole counter, i managed to sell my product and prove to new customers that my prods are good lah.

but when she's around, I COULDNT DO ANYTHING.

ha, but SURPRISINGLY I manage to sell 3 products within one hour, when she was AWAY.
3 products in an HOUR!!!
thats a really impressing result.
3 products, 3 different customers.

and, that was my lowest record of the 4 days.

with ONLY ONE HOUR TO SELL.

DUH~

WAS AT THE END OF THE SINGAPORE YESTERDAY,
TAMPEEE.

another KNS place.

DAMNIT man.

i left that place fuming.

ah!!!!!!!!!!!!

no wonder singapore service culture wont improve.

( oh ya, when i was promoting by the side..i kept smiling, i thot i was like selling my body. it was THAT BAD. passer by cant be bothered lor. i dont blame them man. its such a new product in singapore, who gives a damn? seriously, I LOVE SERVING, providing the best service, keep customers well inform of my pro. seriously. even if they dont buy from me, at least, let me intro duce. or smile back when i smile at them. thats all iw ant. and am contented. but its always the EXTERNAL FACTOR. )

anything of customer, i CAN TOLERATE.
but i can never tolerate collegues' selfishness.
we're on the same boat, why are you so calculating.
like i give a damn i sell well anot.
hello, im not even desperate for commission, when its so freaking low.

yes, in that ***** classy place, i love my collegues, we actually help each other.
esp me and wq.
we hit off real well, and we help each other..
i miss her man...
now im going back to her again.
but i jus dunno if im working WITH the senior again not...

sian 1/2..

im puking blood man...

ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hate this helplessness.

terrible terrible.

working 2

2005-11-03T08:05:00.000+08:00

HEEEEE *gleeing like MAD*
caz im talking to RUIRUI online (ruiwen)..!!!!!!
SO EXCITING LAH!!!!!

okie, apparently all gz senior batch miss each other!!!!
we're like so dying to meet up!
so, we'll have to wait for all the As kids to finish their papers, and we'll meet up in december, a mini gathering, maybe can get the batch after us too...
heehee...
maybe can get the batch AFter after us too....
heehee...
maybe the As kids, can just organise one outing.......

yeah, im exploiting the As kids..
blehs.

and i love my job, its really meaningful to promote your products and know them well and recommend the right one for them. i love every bit of it and have made a GOOD FRIEND THERE. we'll help each other promote our products. quite interesting. and we always talk.
but i hate the high heels. i have changed two pairs of shoes already.

first day was one nice black high heels. too high. moi feet almost died there and then. luckily we FOUND a CHAIR, so hee, we let our bums rest there and our feet some breathing space.

second day, i changed to a white shoes. its moi mum's. then its very tight around the toes there. ( its a hundred plus shoes, that is made of very good material which is very strong yet comfy inside. unfortunately, because its good, it helps to "shape" your feet, moi very broad feet cant tolerate the kinda pain it induces. )anyway i really DIED this time. then i bought CROS shoes and wore them. heh heh.
its actually not allow to wear that lah..but the aunties there are very nice, they dun mind lor. and i jus hide my feet behind the counter. and i share that shoes with moi that good friend, WQ.
WQ's shoes oso not very comfortable, so we exchange at times, let her walk ard in that cros shoes. its very bouncy! heh.
and im going to buy 2 more pairs of CROS!
one for moi mama, one for my bro. and if my dad likes it, we'll buy one more.
muwahhahahaha

today is my third day.
its a terrible day.
because i'll be OUTSIDE promoting, meaning i need to attire properly. and wearing HEELS the whole day. in desperation, i dug out my ballet shoes this morning. guess im going to wear it after all. wah lau....have u seen ppl wearing CHARACTER SHOES ( the ballet shoes ) to promote their products!? i think im such a damned loser. am online now to look for other pair of dance shoes...they're so comfortable....................*sobsob*....

I HATE MY HEELS.

Working.

2005-11-01T07:29:00.000+08:00

okay, im so excited i cant even sleep. ( thats like so DUH? right?)
ah, WADEVA. ( handsign )

currently listening to, GOLD 90.50.

have been listening to that station for a few days, hell man, i really have no idea what songs are they playig most of the time, but generally, there's no, MENTAL ROCK or TRACE. yes im lazy to change station when i hear those in other stations, so i'll just switch it off, and deprive myself of good music. and since im so moutain tortise, im trying to fall for GOLD.

okie, back to the question, WHY AM I SO EXCITED?
because,
I AM GOING TO WORK. W O R K . W-O-R-K.!!!

k lah, work, work lor, no big deal right?
tell you, im so dying to work, to have a FEEL of it.
BUT, i want to barf when he starts complaining, my ears hurt like hell.
and yes, i can see FIRE, engulfing myself.
COOL RIGHT? can see yourself in your eyes, look at your own pupil, i can see my reflection. ( lame..i know that.. WADEVA!)

i thot they will be as excited as i am, to know im going to work.
like, "wo de nu er zang da le, can work leh!?"
not like i never work before.. but
working with a paycheck to lookward to, is, a totally different experience.

my mum doesnt think very higly of the job, and keep lamenting i should find one, nearer to home, office work.
aiya, i also want office work, but when i ask abt it, it starts to get boring..like, sit there day and night, and your bum just grow bigger and bigger like pregnant woman lah..( pay to grow sideways. like thanks?)
later suay suay, they make me MAKE COFFEE..slaps forehead.. how can they ask me to make coffee!? i make funny coffee, like my mum says, ITS TASTELESS. i like tasteless thing. i hate salty food. i hate spicy food. am i local? thats what they always like to insult me of. (THANKS MAN.)

they tried to talk me out of it, dont work girl, dont work. ( im like, WADEVA lor, im going to work, and you're not going to stop me. thats it babe.)

then, came that MR WADEVER.
tell me how much they pay you, I'LL PAY YOU.
yeah right. i wont take that kinda pay. thats stupidity.
take your money and sit on it? lay golden eggs meh?
craziness.
not that i dont know he cares for me, and still see me as his little princess.
but no lor, i dont want to be his princess lor, with a golden spoon stuck to my mouth forever. its ugly. its shameful. its like wearing a DIAPER lah. (slaps forehead)

so, i didnt care abt him, and went for the training. will be working soon...
like really soon...
but will tell you guys where im working next time..
im selling skin care product.
wah lau eh, if you've just finish using whatever skin care product you're using, hold on to your atm,visa. buy mine okie?
ITS DAMN GOOD.
if i have 500 bucks, i sure buy the FULL RANGE. EVERYTHING.
its super good.
and it isnt very expensive lor.
and its being tested by dermotologist ( skin doc )
i have 101% confidence in my products.
eh, rmb, lis doesnt like to lie one lor.
my products are really SUPERIOR.

though the COMMISSION is low like shit, as good as Nothing.
i'll still practise my work ethic, and try to sell it. furthermore, its an excellent product. it's use in pharmacy in other countries lah..so actually its very good for problematic skin type lor..

actually im quite piss off with the commission rate lor. i thot its pretty high..then turn out, its LOW LIKE SHIT. then was telling my mum, kao, i can be such a good salesperson and they going to pay me so low to talk so much. for all i know, the pay can only pay for my consultation fee when i see Doctor for my SORE throat cause by TALKING EXCESSIVELY.
duh~

BUT, nevermind, i must have integrity and pride, do my job well and not let my boss and customers down.
i'll survive.

***** rocks.
heehee

this is so exciting.

i so hardworking lah...reading up moi product online...know more abt it.
its DARN GOOD.

its a FRENCH product and MADE IN europe countries. so you can trust the quality.
i actually am given the sample, and the texture and scent of it, is LOVELY.

eh, im not kidding lor. its darn good, im going to discard those im using and buy this.
it owes 26% of the MARKET SHARE IN EUROPE.
pro right?
damn good.

:)

i've thot of becoming a hotelier before.. to serve with pride. but you know i have so many interests, its quite hard to decide and the best way is, to try out. so now, i should make full use of this opp to stretch myself and see how it goes.

and when i get my pay, im going to laff right at his face.
HA.HA.HA.

im not like him, sit rot do nothing.
and i hate asking them for extra money, like i cant outline my budget plan.

and i think he missed the point.
its not abt me not given enough.
but its time i learn to be independent.
i dont like to stretch out my hand for more money.
it hurts my pride.
(k i have too much pride, like whatever.)
but it just doesnt make sense lor.
furthermore,
my bank acct has depleted to...(erm u know...BUT, that happens LONG ago...and PLUS, he likes to borrow $$ from me..*disgusting*..but if i dont, he'll get scolded by them again..so, just help him i guess..though i dont reallie like it. caz he'll nv return me. )
but anyway, for some reason, i got a debit card!!!!
wah lau, i love my debit.debit debit. ribbit. ribbit.

this time round, i'll makesure, my debit makes MONEY instead of ...going downhill...
hahahaha

eh, i should be blogging abt role of family.

family members have a role to play. parents are responsibile to pass down the right values.
wait, okie, NOT RIGHT, but SOUND values.
which will aid the child to be more successful later in life.

talk abt it TML! when im, like, back from work.
ha.

AH! im going to work!

the call for a perfect world.

2005-10-29T09:41:00.000+08:00

we need to be perfect, overcome human frailty.

if we who make up this world, is imperfect, how can we expect a perfect world?

( the excessive use of perfect is annoying me. will find time to define it. meanwhile, bear with watever is said here. sweeping statements and irresponsible blogging is all over the blog. if you're unhappy abt it, get lost. )

utopia. its relative.

2005-10-29T08:53:00.000+08:00

Listening: scientist - Coldplay

im much more cynical than i thought.
why do we strive so much to achieve perfection?
make this world a better place, a utopia.
Utopia, the perfect world.
even if we ever be there, we probably wouldnt know.
where is it? how does it looks like?
does anyone ever care?
of course people care. they care about themselves.
you talk abt rwanda, nigeria ethiopia today.
you felt the sudden urge, the thot nudging you, encouraging you to do your bit.
"they're so poor thing...lets not waste food anymore..save abit more.."
and for the day, you starve yourself and save 20 bucks on meals.
but by the next morning, its big breakfast again, maybe some hotcakes with maple syrup.
what have you done yesterday?
you'll be reasoning this out." saving 20 bucks, doesnt help solve it. its next to zero. its not enough."
so whats enough? and when will we do it?

the perfect world.
im too sure, it'll never come.
as we advance in every aspect, in science n tech,
it'll lead to more why.
it'll never be able to ans the big question, whats life, who gave us? does god trule exist?

and if god exists, why did he let us have the freedom of choice? why let us go astray? he knows human nature is evil, we cannot live in harmony with others when voice of greed is much louder than generosity. for him, we strive to be what we cannot be. what we are not naturally. why make us go thru this?

really, who are we?

i want no more heat, shed more lights please.
guide me, im confuse.

do we really want to live in a perfect world?
even if we're perfect, we'll still find things to pick on, fuss abt.
21st century.
we life we lead now, is probably the utopia of the 19th century.

we're their utopia.
whose ours?
and how does it looks like?

life is a game, we were force to play and live in created rules, that says theres hell and heaven. so try your best and play it well and fair, else you go to hell. does it really exist? should we care where we go? and obviously the game isnt fun at all, insidious thots n pleasures, heinous crime, hedonistic delights. i hope larry flynt dies today, rupert murdoch crushes and down on his knee, ego of coke and mac cramble, so are their stocks. we keep struggling, experimenting with new ways, but after centuries, we still have yet to find the right potion to make this world a beautiful place. are we truly global citizens? our citizenship binds us with the responsibility to help the less fortunate? i think, we should not dream too big, and think too highly of ourselves. lets just care abt your own country, those people nearer to you, instead of reaching out to other world. we reach out, only because, we yield some kind of gains. at the end of the day, it still comes down to dollar and cent, the economical gains. we live, for the most, people that we care, people that are around us.

charity of what motive? to make yourself feel better? and if you really care, give them all your assets. or monthly salary. what they need isnt donation. what they need is a strong leader who can plan well and walk them out. of course they need aids from all over the world, but without a good leader, the resource will not be used efficiently.

half pried pea brain.

utopia, its relative.

lets make believe, we're near there.
so dont give up yet.
we're not suppose to and expected to.
thats mankind.
we're the puppet they try to make a fool of.
but its okay.
so long we enjoy it.

what other ways can i convince myself, theres something worth living besides being so crudely put across, we're a heap of rubbish that tries so hard to be who we cannot be?

i used to believe i could do everything, anything. adidas whispers to me everynight, impossible is nothing. yet, as i grow older, i see much clearer. impossible is nothing, is a made believe, to feed our ego, fragile self esteem. we have to feel good abt something to live on. maybe thats why we like luxuriant goods so much, because they create the perfect image, they make use of our subconscious and buy us as a product. we're their product.

even we are mocking each other, ourselves.

what a beeuuteefool world.

random...

2005-10-28T20:34:00.000+08:00

this is your life, live it.

i wonder, why do i always like to encourage others to live their life, do whatever they want.
i think i made a terrible mistake.
no, its not my life. its not a life that i can do whatever i want, and not consider other's feelings.
dont we call that being selfish?
and how can one's life be all about themselves?

i tell you, i have the greatest desire to runaway, far away from home, a place that will make you cry, regret what you have done, and spend ur life repenting, wishing you have never been so careless with my heart.

but i cannot.

i cant bear the fingers pointing at me, cursing me. not that i think god will ans their evil and ridiculour prayers. if he does, he probably ans mine first and do me justice. not only that, i cant leave her alone to face the heartache i never want to incur on her. its too unfair. break the cycle, break the cycle. he keeps reminding me. dont let the pain and hurt stretches and spread, spread like wildfire. it doesnt help, it fails to resolve the problem. i need to absorb it, stop the cycle. i need a b ig heart. i pray to lord day and night, give me a big heart, make me learn forgiveness. i cant live by each day hating n hating, questioning my purpose of living, in here without your love, your concern, but your lies, weakness, selfishness, biasness and mental abuse. i think im a troubled kid. i am not. but i think i am. and maybe i really am.

i wrote a letter to you finally. my body is too small, my brain is even smaller, my heart, the smallest of all, they can no longer contain the agony, injustice and hurt. its too much to bear. i trembled and trembled, warm tears trickled down, but my mind in a whirlpool, it commands not the hand to brush those tears away. i put down my pen after finishing the last line. "darling, do you need to talk to him?" she asked gently. her love for me, the pain in her voice, it echos the pain in my heart you've carelessly pierce thru, again and again, before the old wound could heal, you did it again. it keeps bleeding n bleeding, blood clotted, dried, fresh blood oozed out again. its a slow death i;ve come to realise. i've become so numb, that before it dies, i should just write.
my pain, leads to hers. Her's leads to mine. a scream escaped from my mouth. i tried to swollow it back, but im too weak. grabbed a pillow, crying so hard the body trembled so violently, even a hug couldnt calm it. i went hysterical. AGAIN. i cried hard. i screamed even harder. harder and harder. 7 screams in all, i remember vividly. i screamed into the pillow. i shut my eyes tightly, wishing all this isnt real. pull the pillow harder to my face, as though the darkness was not dark enough, not enough to shut myself up from the world, from reality. i just wish it is a nightmare.
but the cry and scream was too real. my throat hurts. i could no longer scream. energy all drained, i fell asleep shortly.

its been a long time i scream like this. i never have the chance to scream at home. its way too loud. but i found a way, pull that pillow over my face and scream into it. those screams, those frustrations, those ridiculous thots of stop breathing oxygen. i was so tired. i thot i was going to die. i thot i was going to die, i thot of those people that love me. i saw none but her.

sometimes,
i wish i have the courage to live my life.
but how can your life be yours alone? and why do your laugh when you're all alone? when there's no one to share your joy? whats happiness without the someone?

i have that someone. she isnt there always. but the only one that will be there when it happens.

"it alright darling, you still have me, you still have me.." she pleaded, forcing her words into my mind and heart. it drilled into my head, but not my heart. it doesnt help. it only makes me more alone than ever.

if you dont love me, dont pretend you do.
im alot more vulnerable than you think behind those sarcasm.
because you never love, i'll not be the one.
i refuse to be who you want me to be.
its your punishment.
i hate you to the core.

dont hurt me, i'll make sure you regret it.
dont hurt me on purpose, i'll make your life like hell.

true, i make the pain turn to hatred and after that, im more broken than ever, worst than a rag doll, everything a wreakage.

for me, you have done nothing.
for me, your blood boils.
for me, you regret for life

for you, i strive to be the best.
for you, i lost my sanity.
for you, i lost my soul.
for you, i end this life.

look with eyes wide open, what have you done to me.
you send me to hell, than to heaven.

im sorry, i cant be what you have wanted me to be.
but remember, you failed to play your role.
you fail me first.

i try to bear the cost, break the cycle
but it doesnt help.
i do not have that saintly strength to do this alone.

im tired.

dont make it any harder for me.

i love deeply.
i hate fiercely.
and worst of all,
i desire a perfect soul.

my own desire crushes me in the end.

you probably didnt kill me.
i killed myself instead,
for i have too many wants.

try this

2005-10-22T14:15:00.000+08:00

the little noisy thing says...

this is a very dependable website...
Colorgenics http://www.colorgenics.com

You feel that everything is going against you and you are worn out and exhausted by all the conflict and quarrelling. You are trying to protect yourself but at the same time you are hiding your feelings, hoping that by so doing, you can avoid exposing yourself to attack. Hopefully this will give you the chance to get on with your life. Nevertheless, you should be very careful to try to avoid stirring up any opposition which might endanger your plans.

Being a likeable person you get on well with neighbors and friends. You don't need anything to 'Rock your boat'. You want to 'love' and to be loved'.

You give the impression that you are a self-sufficient individual, pretending that you are stoical - indifferent to pain or pleasure. But this is not so, for in truth you are an extremely emotional person, one that may make hasty decisions and perhaps repent at leisure. It is time now perhaps to break the bond of detachment and become the real 'you' - the you that you would like to be.

Setback after setback has resulted in considerable stress and now you have got to the stage where you are continuously on your guard, not only to protect yourself from others but to protect yourself from yourself. It would seem that many of your unfulfilled hopes and dreams have led to uncertainty and suspicion. You no longer wish to answer to others and you are insisting on freedom of thought. You feel that you are fully self-sufficient and can control your own destiny. You are seeking ways to protect yourself from further loss of prestige and against further setbacks. You have become very dependent and you doubt that matters could possibly get any better in the immediate future and this negative attitude is leading you to exaggerate your claims and to refuse reasonable compromise.

You are fed up with other people trying to influence you and you also feel that it is necessary to protect yourself from the threat that your independence and freedom may be restricted. You would just like to be left alone.

untitled.

2005-10-21T20:10:00.000+08:00

the little noisy thing says...
(jamie just gave me this name..quite ironic, caz im not really very noisy.....)

next week they'll be doing pw, but no, im not excused from it. still need to go to sch, and spend time in the lib to decompose. well, indeed, sch rules are really inflexible. oh watever.

im currently isolating again.
i need a break.
overwhelmed by too many kinds of emotions.
i dont know what to do.
helpless and displaced?
maybe.

im over one, but not the other.
im still very much stucked.
was listening to another old playlist of mine.
many memories came back
and, though they were bittersweet.
but im glad it happened and its over.
well, i wish i'll et over the other one soon,
but i doubt so.
the chances are slim
so,
its. the WHATEVER attitude.

my first miracle has happened.
now i await the second one.

i hope 10 years later, when i look back i will appreciate all this god has put me thru. for making me going thru all these i never wanted, so many diff kinds of emotions that has entrapped and tortured me.

next time, when i look back, i'll learn to forgive...

i seriously need to learn to forgive.

forgive forgive forgive

that really takes alot of courage...

im so sorry i cant be what you wanted me to be...

sorry...

woah..woahever

2005-10-18T12:27:00.000+08:00

The Wild Rose
Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLDf)

shmolorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.

Your exact opposite:
The Dirty Little Secret

Deliberate Gentle Sex Master

The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.

"You're never truly single as long as you have yourself."

ALWAYS AVOID: The Bachelor

CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail.

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test

this cant be true..!?!??!?!

2005-10-15T08:38:00.000+08:00

oh lord, tell me you're not behind this..

http://www.colorgenics.com/sps/index.cfm

You are a very emotional and sensitive individual. Your life and love of life is dominated by your emotions - you have great feeling towards your fellow man and you are always full of enthusiasm but be careful, you tend to let your heart rule your head and this being so, you could be easily hurt - as perhaps you may have indeed been hurt in the past.
( my life..domindated by emotions? i doubt so. im quite rational. too temperate sometimes.)
(hurt? probably from my friends only i guess..i think i hurt others more sometimes..and self inflicted pain. yup.)

You are very self-sufficient and methodical. You presume to know where you are going but need to find a person who will recognize the way you are, not be too demanding and who is, as they say in Italy, 'Simpatico'.
(i presume to know? hahaha i need to find a person who will recognise the way i am? hahahaha i've already found someone thats willing to work out the way out for me..)

You are feeling under considerable pressure and you are being forced to make concessions. You are not particularly happy with this state of affairs but you feel that you have no alternative. If you were to force issues you would be left out or completely ignored by one and all.
(true but it applies to 2 situation. yes i stuck. yes i cant leave. yes i will be left out. but i dont really give a damn now. yes i'll never be able to escape from you. i'm dead for sure. im not happy. of course. how did i let myself land up in such a CHOICELESS situation? im so in control but i lose it when you're in front of me. im not incontrol, sane, but being control by madness. im insaner than insane.)

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. (HAHAHA) ~~At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.~~
(eh, i trust quite alot of people leh! but they're just not ard me at the moment..alevels has stolen them from me..but i still have 3 more darlings..and one, i cant lie to. )
(introverted. that i realise very long ago, since sec sch i guess? i just like to be alone, close to my own thots, i mean when you spend all day long thinking and ppl ard you jus dont have the habit of talking abt it, you cant force them right? but hell no am i going to change for that. im born with that..its not that i dun want to change, but its an uphill task. n seriously, i thank god that i do think. that creates alot of awareness. incapable of handling them now, but time will prove it. i've more to accomplish than time allows.)
(and im still enthu lah..depends who im with..ha..)

Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety and you are distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationships. You feel you are not appreciated by those who matter to you. You are attempting to escape into a world on which you can relax and feel at ease.
(hmmm i dont know? maybe its true? but sometimes god presence is so strong, i try not to believe what i believe. god says, not get, but give. not law and order, but love. not mind your own business, but theres is no such things as your own business...i know you love me. i just need to look deeper. self deception? i say, i love you more than you do. but does it matter who love more? it doesnt. why so calculating..? :) )

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

You seem to be trying to sweep aside the situations (and maybe the people) that you feel are standing in your way. You are impulsive and apt to follow these impulses seeking to be involved in special or exciting happenings. In this way you hope to deaden the intensity of your conflicts, but your impulsive behavior is leading you to take some unnecessary risks. Back down a little and remember 'more haste - less speed'.

You are not be feeling so good at this time. Everything seems to be getting on top of you. What you need is a rest from all of the the present trials and tribulations in peaceful surroundings and with someone - male or female, it doesn't really matter - who can really understand you and appreciates your needs.

At times one is burdened with more than one's fair share of problems and this would appear to be your situation at present. But you are adamant - you know what you wish to achieve - and by giving a little and taking a little you may well find that the realization of your dreams could become a reality.

Whatever you strive to do, something always seems to be holding you back. There is no subterfuge in you. You are a clear thinker and all you demand from life, in a relationship, is a partner whom you can trust and with whom you can, together, develop a foundation of trust based on understanding. You are your own person and you demand freedom of thought to follow your own convictions. You have no interest in 'two-timing' and all you seek is sincerity and 'straight-dealing'.

You don't like authority and you rebel against all forms of limitation. You are your own person and you intend to stay that way and to get on in the world simply by your hard work and determination.

this is oh so. accurate.
i just click the colours randomly,
not sure if those colours that i really want to click before or after..
but i guess..every choice i made, with sceptism or whatever,
they're moi choices, my mood.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Learn to look at the world upside down.
Instead of seeking out people who stroke my ego,
find those whose egos need stroking;
Instead of seeking important people with resources who can do me favours,
find people with few resources;
Instead of the strong, look for the weak.
Instead of the healthy, the sick.
(harness more resources, study hard, better equip yourself, contribute more.)

that was wat i concluded that day (actually, thats MONTHS ago) when talking to yee which he thot was an interesting point:

if you want to help others,
ppl say, you cant even help yourself, dont think abt helping others.
i think they miss the point.
i say, work harder, so you can help more people. you're even the opportunity which those people are deprived of.
dont get me wrong, im not saying you're higher above them, you're just lucky to have more resources. so harness more, and so you can better provide them in future.

and even if i dont make it, im thrilled by the idea of going lasalle to study. im THRILLED. am looking forward to it. i really dont like to study. i want to be surrounded by images and colours. moments that we seldom experience, and expressions as rare as a meteor shower, found in the most impossible corner in the world...

no matter what happen, i wont cry.
ups and downs of life is just. life.
grades dont define me though they may restrict me thats all.
i know my worth.
but comeon life is abt finding way out.
and i kinda like it.
resilience.
i have tons.
:)

Lunacy of Jesus saner than the grim sanity of the world.

just updates.

2005-10-14T20:31:00.000+08:00

okie exams OVER.
so its like
HOORAY?

yeah.

events.
quite alot.
too many.
not gonna cover them.
in my attempt to,
the entry becomes way too long.
focusless.

anyway

people.
watch EVERLASTING LOVE.
and yes
i feel like im MR CHENG in it.

im incapable of doing many things.
and one,
that is to love.

"you're my life saver"

so? how are you going to repay me? with your life? how much does that worth?

worthless. priceless.
the only treasure i've found..so far?

fix me.

2005-10-05T19:17:00.000+08:00

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

theres nothing in the lyrics to emphasize or highlight because every word means something to me.

coldplay, when i watch them sing, not just the lead of course, he's like kissing the mic, drop the disgusting part, its as though he's really crying, really desperate, like caught in the chaos created by us, yet too pure to stay alive, keep hoping and praying. maybe thats our last resort. i think coldplay music is good, very raw, very natural very sincere yet they boost sales of prozac for sure. am i pessimistic or its just them? even pessi peeps do hope. know why? because they have nothing left, yet they lack the courage to die now, to jump down, maybe thats why they are still struggling alive, and awaits miracle. maybe. i 'll never know. but right now. im stuck to coldplay.

whats my lot?
its in your hand.

(but before that,
i'll try to fix you..when tears stream down from your face. though i never have the chance to see them, but i could feel them. i know its there. though you never show.
lights will guide you home..
you know what you're worth, certainly he will know what you're worth one day. and when you love someone too much to let it go, dont bother.)

you should never let anyone control your fate but is this possible and idealistic?
just like what ting has said, fuck that bon jovi's its my life. bullshit.
its my life, its now or never. whatever man. seriously.

why dont we try to strike a balance? that sounds more possible.
anyway i cant imagine a world without rules and regulation, without protection and defence. even protectionscan be a form of attack. two sides to a coin, so well, lets just try to strike a balance, too much of something is never good, so is freedom of express. yes its good to have complete freedome of express but, the precondition is, people dont discriminate and speaks with responsibility and not shoot anything off their mouth. thats not freedom of speech, thats babaric's language. and again, some may ask, so whats the right thing to say?

see?

complicated.

random

2005-10-05T09:50:00.000+08:00

im really very sick this time. cant even have a goodnight sleep without waking up again and again to visit the loo or clean my nose. and i could hardly breathe. and the fev

er hasnt subside yet. but no worries, its not dengue. but im so sick during exam is a rare man. 3 days MC. but ptless, still going to sit for those paper in the semi conscious mode. wat to do, you study so hard, you cant just skip them right? anyway i;ll get well soon. :)

was up early watching mtv.(cause theres no better things to watch) it was a real treat. haven watch it for quite a while ( not a fan of mtv channel, caz whenever i tune in, its always playing some weird songs) first in line was maria raven's. not very impress by the music, but the mtv was cool. end of me. you can see those glasses flipping around in the air and all. i wonder how they do it, how they decide which mirror to move next, when to turn, when to move it fast, or slow down. its doesnt exactly follows the beat. its somehow reflects the emotions raven's is having inside. theres this part where theres a LONG silence? instead of moving slow, the glasses were moving really fast, like a silent beast waiting to strike at someone, doing its last min preparation. wow. i thot was quite amazing. glasses can work wonders. oh, its resembles the windows media player's visualisation option.

then i saw ricki martin! he's the artist of the month! (which month, i have no idea, either, its THIS month or next month) but he's hot. really. reminds me of brad pitt!. they look alike lah.

next was daniel powter. i like his mtv. i like englishman! ha. if u like love actually, you probably gonna like his mtv. :) its base on a love story line. typical, and cliche. but. well. im a sucker for that. shoot me. watever.

then. i saw clay aiken's the way. hmmm music gives hope and because they present the impossible, sometimes we buy it and awaits for miracle. :) the mtv wasnt very great, but the meaning behind it overwhelms me. just when i thot i have lost something, i found it again. i hope you'll find it too, one day. :)

Clay Aiken-The Way

There's somethin' 'bout the way
You look tonight
There's somethin' 'bout the way that
I can't take my eyes off you

There's somethin' 'bout the way your lips invite
Maybe it's the way that I get nervous when you're around

And I want you to be mine
And if you need a reason why

It's in the way that you move me
And the way that you tease me
That way that I want you tonight

It's the way that you hold me
And the way that you know me
And when I can't find the right words to say
You feel it in the way
Oh, feel it in the way

im so talkative, cure me.

2005-10-02T19:28:00.000+08:00

nah, shootme. its quicker.

i talk too much.
really?

mr arabesques thinks i talk too much, talking incessantly. so he launches first attack, put it blantly with little kindness, " you really, are, very talkative. "
of course, i beg to differ, and jumped from my seat to defend myself.
he even thinks i resemble someone who i quite like, for her very bubbly nature and adorable physique and her warm smile.

obviously, besides him, many do think im talkative and many times, peeps from 1d do use words like, you're-very-noisy-eh! on me. i can imagine rongrong complaining, ting gives a face, esp when i pout as i protest. i know she cant stand my whines. ha. and carrie will give that sympathetic yet, atinge of gentleness (due to her droopey eyes), " darling-can-you-please-lower-your-volume?-i-seriously-need-to-study-here". i'll then give her an apologetical look and keep quiet. ha. sam too gives a face of annoyance, extreme annoyance and as if im so out of control. ha. ling, hey, she likes it when im noisy, she's one of the reason why im always talking, because we'll talk to each other spontaneously. the other day, she wanted me to stay at their table to entertain them. i wonder why i have so much to crap with certain cliques and not all.

anyway back to mr arabesques, i dont even think im talking alot and yes i insist im an introvert that dont really like to talk.

but again

even my brother couldnt stand me. he nicknamed me, the housefly. cause i'll talk non stop though i know he's busy using the computer playing mahjong. i just cant be bothered and wanted to talk to him. and i know he finds me amusing but just didnt want to show it.

people, whats wrong with showing how you really feel!?
he is one good example of people who hardly ever show their emotions, so much so that, he's often mistaken for good. i hate him for many reasons. because my parents love him. though obviously they love me more, but provide me less financially. but why? why must he always pit against me and its so annoying that parents always let him has his way.

why do people love to use the word dick and not penis? since its already so vulgar, why not just be direct? penis. its just a penis. like breasts will always be breats. penis will always be penis.

sexual connotation? i see none. unless omgosh. you oh so horny.

hmmm
im so random.

oh yes, if you watch stairway to heaven, you know the elder brother? his nose reminds me of a penis. which i think is. erm. quite. erm. ugly. trust me, its not even sexually arousing. its a turn off. yes im so turn off. i cant help looking at it and wonder, why must they use this man? because other korean male stars are just too hot that they are not suitable for this supporting role?
maybe?

goodness, i better not see him in other korean show.
i'll faint.

hey dude, nice toilet tiles huh?
*look up*.
*look RIGHT UP*

reminder for myself.

2005-10-02T13:04:00.000+08:00

im suppose to do this question, lessons learnt in one's childhood.
its been clouding my mind for the past 4 mins, since i ripped open moi pack of strawberry pocky and begin munching it. and how i wish this question came out for exam. since im not given the chance to write it then, i'll do it after exam. this question is really interesting, its explores alot of our inner desires for many things and a emphasize why certain values and qualities remain relevant in this vastly changing world.

"........maybe, one day, we will not see competition in such a negative light, with all those demeaning connotation attached to it. it can be enjoyable or even meaningful. learn to love it for what it is, that pushes us to improve and develope, innovate and invent for our own sake. do it as we please, pleases as us we do it for it. it doesnt have to be that way. it doesnt have to be this way... tomorrow will be a better day without living in rat race earth, and some may stop saying, the earth is eating shit. it is now, and im gloating at it. but hope the moon would disagree someday..let living be meaningful.."

i just read felix's blog..reminded me of how we cant live the life we want..(be a dancer on the stage, who cares who are the audiences, join the circus, fool with monkeys, humming to black eyed peas' pumpit, wrap your arms around the trees and thanks them for supplying us with tons of papers and converting carbon dioxide to oxygen, sheltering us when we're caught in a storm, though mum says dont seek shelter under tree when there's lightning., dine with the whole family including distant relatives, all living under one roof, tunning to senseless variety show, but all laughing heartily, maybe i'll exchange my PS2 with caveman to live in their cave and roll on the snow, building snowman, who cares abt the oh so commercialised santaclause who cheated my parents money for so many years. everymorning, i get to breathe in fresh air so sweet and serene. wasting time away..enjoying everybit of life..snuggle up in bed with your love one under the white floral prints bedsheet..who cares about tomorrow or the day after, or the near future..and even if we have aids, we'll confront death bravely, no tears no shame no regrets. we have our fair share of fun. live in a world with no discrimination, judge not, else you be judged and condemned. and maybe, death will be celebrated. its just another phrase. but dont spoil the fun of life by proceeding to death house without living it yet thats against the rule. ) YET. breathing only do to what we dislike, to keep us afloat. buried our dreams deep under, waiting for the day, when we can unmine it and set those dreams free, to where they should be, to be living our dreams. i think man in the past never know what dreams are, their dreams are more like fantasy, for they can always do what they wanted. today our dreams are far more possible yet harder to achieve. its pathetic. hmmm i think im generalising. erh. anyway, meanwhile, lets all try to stay afloat, pinning all our hopes on that day, that day..

can you spot THEM?

2005-10-02T10:04:00.000+08:00

consistancy or forever

2005-10-02T09:46:00.000+08:00

forever a euphemism for consistency?

its never too late

2005-10-02T09:06:00.000+08:00

the heat is rising. exhaling desperately only to see mist infront of you. its freezing outside, heating up down right. engulfing in flames, you're to blame. reality and fantasies. analysis and theories, who gives a shit? move as you free, too long have we trap ourselves in bottle, leaning close to comfort. arnt we in for the granduer? the day to escape? we've contemplated for too long, way over, our limits once so narrowed, no longer tends to zero but to infinity. why do we have to tolerate this shit? grab the hammer, swinging it hard and fast, in one breath, eyes closed, strain your ears, cheered as the glass shattered, all walls crumpled. down on my knees, pride has left me. " leave now..! i cant go on anymore. so leave without me. it alright, i'll pay for the price for us.....we have waited too long..."

strike it while its hot.
we missed the train.

but no one has ever told me, what if im too late and miss it?
its not just the chance i have missed it.
not only do i have to cope with the misery of missing it.
but a hellot more of regrets and clinging on and lamenting, if only we have the ability to turn back time.

on the morrow, we'll try again.

be contented

2005-09-27T23:59:00.000+08:00

you dont need to have the best of everything to breathe in the cool morning fresh air and feel good for the rest of the day.
and i dont need you to be around 24/7.

what i need is the drive and knowing what i've been doing is worthwhile.
it doesnt matter if i'll get good grades. its the learning process and who i've grown to be.
come what may.
and even if i fall now,
i'll stand again.

its just a ride.
no need to run.
no need to hide.

:)

contentment.

*..mrs gan rocks.. :) :) :), she's the new cult! *

seriously she's really nice.
SERIOUSLY.

:) :) :)

too bad i dont appreciate the fact that that guy likes to gossip behind my back.
*disgusting and annoying. highly disgusting. hahaha.*

we speak a common language in similiar tone and expression.
and only people of our cult will ever understand.

korean drama

2005-09-24T11:52:00.000+08:00

Mianhada Saranghanda
oh shit.
IM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO MY LAST PAPER SO I CAN PURCHASE THE HOTTEST KOREAN DRAMA EVER!
i wonder why i didnt hear any news abt this korean drama ever. but now i have watched a few episods. i think its really good. the best ever. better than any tear jerking romantic and unrealistic korean drama.
i love the script, the way its director, the scenes, the lines, the expression of the characters, with so much intensity and sensitivity.
ohmygod.
every episod is like watching a movie. 16 episods. very professional.
the characters are gorgeous too.
i cant believe my luck man.
this is really good.
the director is really good.
what impresses me most is the director.
all the angles he has chosen really explains alot and thot provoking.

sorry i love you rocks.

:)

woo yes! the music is good too.
everything of it is so perfect.

i so love it.

seriously, full house and stairway to heaven are not that good as compared to this.
*tsktsk*

who are you?

2005-09-22T17:51:00.000+08:00

time and again
you pulled me in yet when i was so close there,
the lights went out
shut me out all over again.

i dont blame you. how can i ever be angry with you but the helplessness is torturing me.
everything you do, you do it for me,
with so much consideration and gentleness.
but why?
why she keeps coming back?

love breeds hate.
and i so hate you
so so so hate you.

im not even the mistress of my emotions.
and worst, i couldnt even hide them,
traces of them everywhere.
EVERYWHERE.
its annoying me.

tell me when its over.
self inflicted pain
you cant cure.

and when u go back there,
empty room, cold night air,
tinted glasses, all pitch black.
"where are you?" you wondered, and went in anyway.
as soon as the lights are on again,

"who are you?"

原点

2005-09-17T13:03:00.000+08:00

拥抱的时候
心情有点痛
也去提早感受到寂寞

离开的时候
只听见沉默
除了沉默我还能怎么做选择

别对我抱歉
别总觉得对我亏欠
现在他在你的身边
就对他好一点

不要再让你们的爱败给了时间
既然遇见了永远
就不要说再见

不要再让你们的爱输给了永远
我们经过那么多考验
最后还是回到了原点

总有那一天
相遇的瞬间
确定那些冷漠的从前
已走远

别对我抱歉
别总觉得对我亏欠
现在谁在你的身边
就对谁好一点

我应该
就走开
就算感情还在

我应该
就放开
对他不再依赖
忘了曾有过的片段
这是属于你们的未来

不要看到你们的爱败给了时间
我能愿选择离别
没有一句怨言

直到你能若无其事聊起了从前
我才发现彼此都了解
默契是最宝贵的语言

[女生说：“我除了爱你，还是爱你。” ]
[男生说：“我爱你，可是更爱自由。” ]

summary of 15.09.05

2005-09-15T21:48:00.000+08:00

okie.

social dance ended. sobsob. but hey. jamie moi dearest partner. wah lau eh! u damn pro too lah! (though i was more pro. still we made a good TEAM. uM MAUCKS. )

i love moi right butt. we share the same fate, SERIOUSLY. hugshugs.

why am i seeing diff ppl at strange places? like REALLY STRANGE? (emily the strange! ah. the cat is sooo MEOWWWee! cUutess )

why are you so depress today? has she given up?
why do you have to call him? why cant he leave you alone?

woo.
i got MAD. no i wasnt. i was faking it. but they took it for real. and the ways they tried to coax me. is. HILARIOUS. i didnt say anithing, and they just assumed im mad at them. how funnie. i think its funni because they actually think im THAT PETTY. but again. its them. those that always makes moi blood boils.

sometimes, i really wonder spending 18 years with them, means nothing at all. because obviously, my dad never seem to understand me.

now he's coming, trying to get me to talk to him.

nevermind. shall continue to IGNORE HIM.

piss.

but wouldnt have, if they didnt allow me to.
mwah.

this shows that. HE's GUILTY.
good. he ought to be.

SERVE HIM RIGHT.

ah.
why are you so depress?
are you alright?
why must things turn out this way?
but i prayed for you.
sincerely.
no harm shall come to you.
sighs.

TMR will be a better day.

i cant shake it off my mind.
tell me is there anything i can do for you?
its DISTURBING. MEE.
arghss.

i want to zzzZzzz.

i want to watch FULL HOUSE!!!!!
*xinhui.....PLEASE BRING IT!!!*

*pray.*

to have you to depend on, is pure bliss.

2005-09-14T20:19:00.000+08:00

i said yes you agreed we moved on like time, it never once stopped for you.
you're still there, maybe a little nearer. where have i gone to lately? where have i been? what have i seen? am i still the same? the little little you once doted on? as you leaned closer, with a motive, i was as cold as ice. yet your warmth failed to warm me. you thought i was the girl back then but no. no more vibes. i have moved on, you probably have notice. but where to? you have no idea.

and again, you left for before you can learn the truth. no time and space for it. neither do i have the energy to explain it.

let it go.

we'll have fun some other day.

we've all grown up. understanding our limits and recognising our boundaries.
we waved good bye from a distance.

but hey,
i know you love me and i too.

arms around each other's shoulder.
and if you stumble and fall, i'll be there to help you up.
and if i need a shoulder to lean on, i have y ours to count on.

drunk we maybe, but every ouch of beer we downed
meant something.
we cherish this. friendship.

:)

a toss to you and me.

:)

is friday an ideal date to meet up?

2005-09-08T20:18:00.000+08:00

aghhhhh im going to meet baby kangaroo tml!

weee!

is friday the ideal day to meet?
why suddenly everyone wants to see me on friday and not any other day?
mind boggling man!

maybe, i'll get to see the PAIR in the end. that will be a BONUS for me.
yups.

i want...

2005-09-07T19:51:00.000+08:00

to drive.
to ride a bike.
sun kissing my skin. BURNIT!
wind against my skin. COOLIT!
wooo i want them all.
i feel so alive.

:)

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh its WEDNESDAY NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
theres. so. much. to. look. forward. to. !!!

oops, and i forgotten to bring my hp out today.
maybe i should throw my phone away and live without it for a week.
heh.
maybe we'll learn to organise our life more effectively.

hp can be a such a HASSLE.

i cant seem to focus whenever i blog.

2005-09-06T03:31:00.000+08:00

i think im crazy because im really weird i like to disappear into the thin air once in a while and am ENJOYING it like for nuts man. hahahahaha!
well i jus find a cure for depression (not that i always have that ) read up ting's blog. you'll really ROTF. like ROTF. (roll on the floor) its hilarious lah. not that im promoting it but hey ting, i really think your blog rock. yeah rock my toes too.

and when you need a intellectual ambrosia, read ian's blog. that probably does the trick, or weng's that set you wondering that the heck that crap arse is talking about. its pretty cool because i always get so lost and agitate when i read his blog trying to comprehend til these days, i give up. i just read. and move on. ( well maybe i still try to decipher. haha )

goodness man. i cant sleep at all. was o a mission to sleep ard 9pm, but i ended up talking to my mum and bro and crapping in the kitchen and laffing criticising reporting insulting joking faking high pitch "Wei!" and of course, whinning, thats a MUST HAVE element in my conversation with my mum. so everyone has finally stop talking about PROJECT SUPERSTAR. that was headline hogger during dinner time for almost a week. how my dad got so interested abt it SUDDENLY after watching shi xin hui's performance. ( okay, not very suddenly, quite expected ) my singing genes definitely come from my dad. my mum cant sing and i used to hate it when my dad sings early in the morning when i was much younger. i used to ask him to stop. like STOP SINGING because its really annoying. well i was the only frank soul within the family that bothers to tell him to stop eating and smoking and singing and complaining the messy state of my room, shut down the bloody computer when its not in use switch off the lights after using and etc etc etc. see. my dad behaves like a woman. ( and i love to point that out infront of him ) while my mum choose to understand our plight before screaming her head off at us. i think thats a SMARTER n WISER approach. i hate to shout at home. so when anyone call for me, i wouldnt reply until i have walked up to the person. i will wash my hand whenever i dirty it and i hate fishes. because i think its super dirty. and i cant stand my hands being dirty, not a tiny little bit of it. i will go nuts if i cant clean them. i will look at them and have this urge to chop them off. its really DISGUSTING. i cant dirty my hands. its really a big NONO. when i was baking cookies, i kept washing my hands and its funny to see me running to the sink washing and dirtying it again and washing and i have to use soap or detergent for sure. and (now im looking at my hands and yes plus those short short fingers, i tell myself, THEY, HAVE, TO BE, C-L-E-A-N.) i dont care if thats a compulsion. whatever it is. but thats probably one of my weak point, like archillies heel.

we can clearly see how i keep digressing or well i didnt start blogging with any theme in mind.
but somehow i just am not focus.

oh! i read abt yuting's boi. its so funny. hey i love gadgets lah. thats because i spent too much time with my bro since young. im pretty good with computer. though i know nothing abt programming. but compare to my many other girl friends, well i certainly know alot more. and you'll see that when you start doing PW. when girls are force to use com in different circumstances, they just screwed it and go crazy. sulking the whole day like its some sorted crisis. last year, somegirls didnt even know whats a thumbdrive. i was bewildered at first, but after much thinking, i do understand their lack of knowledge in this area. ( i can see many girls waving their hands protesting. shoot me. )

speaking of thumbdrive.
i m blessed in many ways many wouldnt understand.
my friend even offered to buy me one. ( not that i cant afford ) but it was a very kind gesture. and now that he's away, he even suggested buying something for me. am kinda surprise and touch. sometimes i walked into someone else's life without knowing but when i left, i saw my footprints, and they knew i was there and then they came into my life. and thats how we became friends?

i want to blow your woes away. ( your, refers to all my sisters, sistas, os, friends classmates whoever that i love. hahahahaha, and yes love is so powerful )

does aphrodite knows whats calvary?

oh, IAN HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
from your MIRROR. which is CRACKING. ( as usual )

i have a wonderful weekend stealing myself away from the world. and i like it.
refusing all calls and not replying any smses and not chatting online.
just me, my tv, my radio, my books, sot, bro mum and dad.
hmmm did i leave anything i out?
i left someone out.
ha. it just be kept this way.

:)

you find your treasure in the strangest place and its hard to recognise it. but have some faith, trust your intuition and not so much of your eyes, because they often lie, showing what you want to see, but not what it really is. is that a form of protection or OVERPROTECTED?
fear, we often have and can never cast them away.

FEAR.

what do i fear most?
what do you fear?
why do i fear of what you fear?
do you fear what i fear?
do you fear that i fear?

ha. sounds like some lame tv commercial.

im insane!
once again.

and the pea brain grew. SMALLer.

2005-09-01T12:34:00.000+08:00

I talk to you as to a friend
I hope that’s what you’ve
come to be
It feels as though we’ve
made amends
Like we found a way
eventually

It was you who picked
the pieces up
When I was a broken soul
And then glued me
back together
Returned to me what
others stole

I don’t wanna hurt you
I don’t wanna make you sway
Like I know I’ve done before
I will not do it anymore

I’ve always been a dreamer
I've had my head amongthe clouds
Now that I’m coming down
Won’t you be my solid ground?

I look at you and see a friend
I hope that’s what you wanna be
Are we back now where
it all began?
Have you finally forgiven me?

You gathered my dreams in
When they all blew away
And then tricked them
back into me

You saved me I was
almost dead
- the perishers, Sway.
not Bic Runga okie?

been surfing for hours, my eyes are tired, tearing soon. its kinda painful like going to pop out of the sockets. mind's a blank, or too tangled to blog them down properly. during this few hours, i saw evan online. he seems to be attached. thats good. i dont feel a thing. til these days, im trying justifying the breakup. but really, i was reading up greek mythology. we're people from diff world, miles apart and continuing it would be unwise and pointless. im not being cynical. but come on, face it. it never gonna work out when our views are so different and no one wants to give in. we cant impose our own preference on others. if we're still together, i dont know what i will be doing now. some may say its good that we never quarrel. i dont know i just know i have a lot of pride and having to compromise oraccomodate or counselling just weaken me day by day and it bcomes a drugery.

been spending some time with yee, and he's teaching me alot of things as usual. so my new interest is to read up greek mythology. they are so interesting. besides the Nymph and satyr of course. which is jus a bunch of rubbish. maybe holiday i can read homer's work, odysse and have a better idea of it and also, obviously to challenge yee. one spastic he said or poked fun at me was he would always use words RARely used so he can laugh at me the idiot rushing in and out of library checking it. yeah thanks. though im alittle unhappy with that, at least i learn new words everyday. well i hope everything will turn out well for him.
" take it when it comes, when it comes. "

greek mythology is so interesting lah. do you know aphrodite is the goddess of love? and her son, Eros, it better known as cupid. hahaha and Hades has another name tat is pluto. and Zeus, Ares, and Apollo are satyriasis? disgusting. gruesome. i never know gods will behave like that. to read up on the life of the patheora of gods and goddesses is really cool man. can i dont study for the next one y ear, and read everyday? hahahah. fat hope.

guess im going to study on my lit.. before it gets too late.

i like it this way though life could have been better. but come what may as i always say. we cant predict what will happen in the future, lets live life to the fullest everyday.
i likeit this way.

and lastly, i really must encourage everyone to go check out the PERISHERS. they rock man. they are really good, esp their 2nd album. i just wanna kiss them. like. muacks. thanks for the good music man.

oh dear, and i've forgotten all abt moi pandora box!
shit.

my brain is so small.

2005-09-01T08:07:00.000+08:00

eeee i think im really sick...
im like a jellyfish now, almost bed ridden and even as i sit infront of the com,
i try to lean on everything..
and this is a result of sitting hours on the floor, trying to finish my teeday cards.
i have like 9 cards to make?
and i took extremely long for one particular card lah.
but it turned out really nice.
and hey, after spending almost 9 hours, i still cant finish, am still making.
going back to it soon man.

and today i have to finish my homework!
- 3D,
- Functions
- Lit (persuasion)
- Lit ( persuasion script )
arghssss can i jus miss sch tml!? im so friigging tired....... my brain is like frozen and numb lah.... and i have been sneezing, thats a really bad sign...once i sneeze, i know im more or less a step nearer to dr n medcine which i absolutely HATE.

i cant wait for PROMOS to pass!
den i can make some things for moi a level friends!
joey! nana, mama, bing bing, sam carrrie esper ( ling ) ting, pearl, yue, ahmelia, practicall all of As One Dee. hahahahaha and i can spend time calling them up and have a short chat! hehs.
also, i'll have more time slacking with jamie and gang. i feel so guilty sometimes when i slack with them and it seems like i can only study in sch or in Sot, yet Sot is so pack on Sat. shit man.

woo yesterday and the day before were like a good shopping trip for me.
after sch i had lunch with sam at J8? just MAC lah. boring. but well its the company that matter! and sam is lovely. then i went PS! went spotlight. SPOTLIGHT. spent a while there to get all the stuff for tEeeday card. i spent like 40 bucks there. but i think its worth it. hahahah all the glitters. I NV KNOW GLITTERS can cost so much lah! theres this ONE particular colour that cost me 8bucks! and i need all those glue and tools. you know, i really have alot of art and craft things at home? like how i splurge on the fabric paint? the colouring tools? and all the crap things i have bought in excess for EMERGENCY. am i being wasteful or resourceful? haha.
then i happily went SOT to collect my stuff before heading home to make my glittery card.

yesterday, i met yee in the morning and we took a cab to sch together, had a little chat on the cab and i was complaing abt making those cards which turned out to be a very tedious job, and im ranting like a mad woman. but aiya, teacher teaches you for ONE WHOLE year, and this is the only time to repay them lah. though they are paid by the moe, seriously, i think they deserve alot more than the pay itself. well just let me grumble as i make, but i have no regret in making this move. ha. then i WAS Complaining im spending too much time on his, and he was going, "why are you making for me? i already have quite a few of your cards" indeed.
so we were saying, five more years, you can outline one little corner, and display all the cards i have made for him. muwahahaha. moi exhibition corner. i have made so many i cant rmb the design of each and every. but they are all very pretty cards. of course. im a perfectionist.

opps. i have yet to say where i went.
i went kino after school! i miss that place..theres so many good books theres lah.
when i go to the library, i just cant seem to find any good books? or fuel an interest enought to let me sit and read for hours? i must earn quite abit to buy alot of books next time. hahahaha.
im really veryfascinated by those books. very interesting.
then i went to the comics/ collecter's shop.

OMG. i cant believe it lah! that day i was online surfing, WAS IN EMILY THE STRANGE website looking at the MERCHANDISE! then. the cat plush caught my attention!. was thinking of buying it lah. but a plush leh. spastic to buy. its childish. seriously. i can buy a good book with that.

then when i was in the shop, I SAW IT! I SAW IT! omg, its so pretty! the cats are so cuute and their colour combinations were pretty good. the pink one was really nice. and that more or less make my day. hahaha something to WISH for.

anyway, then i went back kino a while more, wondering who's tim burton. very familiar hor?.
then i went to bras basah! stupid popular no longer there, i made a stupid trip down there the other day to get a new headphone cause my cool red headphone has given up its life. just DIED like that. so SUDDEN. sighs.

eh i went ART FRIEND! and bought more art stuff! eh the day before i went to this fancy paper shop to buy not very fanciful paper ( caz i dun like fanciful paper. ) then spent quite abit too. i think when we have too much money with us ( caz its the beginning of the week, i have like hundred plus with me ) you really just SPENT them blindly. yesterday i look at those paper i bought, seriously im only using 1/10 of it lah. stupid girl. im so silly.

then i went to BASHEER! they have a large collection of art books. but i was way too tired already. after a few hours of shopping and smsing, and plus my sch bag is always very heavy. i just head home.

ah random entry.
just a pure silly brainless one.

very random.

2005-08-31T17:02:00.000+08:00

just seconds ago, i thot i wouldnt be blogging.
read ting's and yuaniee and yuan's blog was provocative, so here i am.

as i contemplate what im abt to type, everything became blurried,
different circumstances came into view.
its really is a case by case problem.
theres not one fit all solution or way out.

i dont know am i in ur entry
but da jie is in it right?
had lunch with her on tuesday..like FINALLY
after her gp paper.
was so anxious for her in the morning that i rushed over to the hall to wish her gd luck personally
and we promised to hang together for awhile in the afternoon.
well good deal.
had a little chat.
alittle more confidence in things we'll gonna do next
not exactly sure where we're heading.
but in the short run, we're more or less heading somewhere.
not sure what the future may bring,
just try our best before we break down and sulk.

yuaniee, why do i think the waiting girl is me?
ha
love comes and goes
and now im so not in the mood to talk abt it
and similarly,
you're seeing what i saw during march?
all the breaking ups and hiccups in bgr.
it weakened us for awhile but strengthened us eventually.

its just part of growing up.

well my best friend just ended a relationship and i did blog that but somehow the entry got lost in space, didnt appear in my blog.

best friend made me realise alot?
hmmm come what may. its not the most important thing in life.
lets get back to work,
i've alot more meaningful things to do then to love a world that will never love you back
or can never fully appreciate,
or love someone i cant commit at the end of the day when im so reluctant to commit.
its a long way home..
and i mean it.
its a long way home,
home of ours, of his.
so far from mine.

and da jie,
she's stress but she doesnt know how to tell you guys, because you guys are very busy too, and stressful in your way. maybe you would think she's already doing very well and doesnt need to worry so much. but if we put ourselves in her shoes, you may realise she has her personal standards to meet, her own insecurities. i heard that day you guys asked her if she's okie, and she simply said," nothing, its okie." something like that? hmm i hope that didnt shaken this friendship. she wants to tell you, of course want you guys to be there for her, but well everyone's really busy at then. she loves you guys still. and i love you all too just like HOW I LIKE TO ASSUME, you guys LOVE us. hahahaha
rmb to encourage each other. :)

angels association? :)

was talking to that super tall arsehole that day and confessed i still feel im part of one dee, a large part. and well too bad i cant be there for graduation..
gonna miss you guys lotsss man.

sch without you guys is really boring and unbearable.
"carrie! wailing! sam!" moi usual opening line for the morning.

randomly

2005-08-26T21:40:00.000+08:00

met sandy, moi sexy right butt yesterday!
and its like meeting your very own sister?
or like finally found back a MISSING ORGAN in your body!?
attach/insert it back.
heh.
darling princess if u r reading this, though we didnt get to watch the movie, but just walking around, thanks man.
if one listen to our conversation,
they may not know how i enjoy talking to moi right left butts and nana mama.
but i just do
because we can COMMUNICATE on a very spiritual level.
ha.
i have a tendency to compare friends?
naturally.
and
i think im just a very difficult person to hang with.
and its true.
when half the time well mayb its school day,
im so serious most of the time.
there aint anything wrong with that.
its in me, and im fine. but ppl are always saying im very gan jiong.
are they nuts or wat?

and i have an active mind, that thinks alot. but hey i like it.
i hate it at times. when comes to certain things.
but on most days, im thankful to god for giving me this ability.
have been spending more time with BEST FRIEND.
i think they are really quality time spent?
alot of things that have been troubling me were said and he's probably the only one i truly trust and one that understand me.
he see what i see.
he feels what i feel
and he has been there and done it.

the ability to think is a blessing
though at times i dun understand why i have it at such young age
it tears me apart most of the time
and i hate myself for nothing.
i dont like it.
i dont want it.
at least not at this age.

i DONT appreciate it.
but i know its a form of empowerment.
not many has it.
count yourself lucky.
god must have loved me lots.

and how i have dislike you
i have wanted you to be someone else
someone so smart yet thinks so childishly.
i just wish you have more social consciousness.

muacks

2005-08-25T21:14:00.000+08:00

SANDY PRINCESS
ellis loves you.

i miss miss miss miss miss miss you so so so so so so so so muchhhhh!!!
i want moi right left butts.
i want moi os family.
i want to fool ard everyday
i want da jie er jie san jie
i just want to have fun
i want tong and quek
to weave our dreams

i just want to do what i really want
see it, hate it, alter it.

and not see it hate it grumble. and doing nothing abt it.
its HIGHLY annoying.

and i just wanna give you one tight slap.

ha.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:)

im a very happie girl.

auntie and the bus

2005-08-23T21:44:00.000+08:00

today i made a auntie cried..A LITTLE BIT ONLY. REALLY A LITTLE.
cause she thinks im amusing. and i thot i was like a monkey on the bus. keep talking non stop and gesticulating alot of stuff lah..
and she was beside me and jamie, so she was listening all the while..
den got one part very funnie, she couldnt hold back and burst into laughter.
along with jamie..
i was talking abt teaching lah..

that is if im teaching in sec sch rite.
on the first day in class
after introducing moiself rite, then i'll definitely ask, " class do you still have any question?"
den imagine this si ah beng, stand up and ask, "cher, why you so short ah!?"
den towering over me and looking down at me lah.

wah lah damn paiseh rite?

and i acted that whole scene out on the bus lah..

so..
auntie couldnt hold back and laffed. which. scared me abit.

she started talking to us, taking tissue paper out from her black handbag..
drying her tears..
she said she been listen to our conservation since i boarded the bus..

"jamie! (hahahaha) i thot we were separated! "(eyes glancing at the man who look like mao) (that guy when boarding the bus squeeze squeeze and end up between me and jamie.)
( i cant remember wat i say, but according to auntie, i was very mushy..and she was very touch when she heard those things i said..)

whispering"that guy lah.."

"what if we're separated!? i'll be damned upset lah!! oh i cant do without yoU!!!" follow by moi witch like laughter. ( above maybe exaggerated. i seriously cant rmb. but quite dramatic )

anyway..was talking abt it with jamie in the msn..
well when she was drying tears, i felt very sad for her..
i dunno..
but she said our conversation was mushy and ROMANTIC...and it seems like she misses those dayss..either, her husband aint so sweet these days, or he isnt ard, or i dunno..
sighss

ellis -auntie thinks im AMUSING. i thot i m a monkey from the mandai zoo, that makes her cry..break my heart. says:
im soooch sadd for the auntie

[blank] i found my skirt!! (: says:
haha

[blank] i found my skirt!! (: says:
ok..

ellis -auntie thinks im AMUSING. i thot i m a monkey from the mandai zoo, that makes her cry..break my heart. says:
i think she misses those dayss

ellis -auntie thinks im AMUSING. i thot i m a monkey from the mandai zoo, that makes her cry..break my heart. says:
i wan to give her bear bear hug

[blank] i found my skirt!! (: says:
haha wdh

ellis -auntie thinks im AMUSING. i thot i m a monkey from the mandai zoo, that makes her cry..break my heart. says:
i think

ellis -auntie thinks im AMUSING. i thot i m a monkey from the mandai zoo, that makes her cry..break my heart. says:
..

ellis -auntie thinks im AMUSING. i thot i m a monkey from the mandai zoo, that makes her cry..break my heart. says:
either she very happie, think of those days,

ellis -auntie thinks im AMUSING. i thot i m a monkey from the mandai zoo, that makes her cry..break my heart. says:
hmm meaning somehow she doesnt have it. either her husband not good to her liao. or no longer ard. or she's jus too happie to be reminising her past.

ellis -auntie thinks im AMUSING. i thot i m a monkey from the mandai zoo, that makes her cry..break my heart. says:
but i think she misses those days when love can be so romantic..im so sad for her..just want to give her a hug, tell her theres still love ard, u just got to look deeper.

ellis -auntie thinks im AMUSING. i thot i m a monkey from the mandai zoo, that makes her cry..break my heart. says:
isnt it sad that we want love so much yet its so hard to get? it could be there but never close to our heart.

elise thinks its a sad place here, where ppl dont like to express their love GENEROUSLY, or
take things for granted..it makes it so hard to love and be loved.
sad sad place.

i want to give auntie a bear hug.
she's so cute lah.

and she makes me think im a MONKEY.

im fan of

2005-08-20T21:08:00.000+08:00

http://genesisofmind.bravehost.com/
Genesis Of Mind
(purple used. caz author likes it.)

ah lian likes it.
(so i'll let her have it.)

im such a bitch i think i hate myself more and more.

2005-08-20T13:44:00.000+08:00

fuck man. im so piss with myself. i should seriously STOP COMPLAINING!
im taking all moi words back. thats it.
FUCK LAH. and why do i have to suck like that!?
why cant i be little innocent girl?
and smiles every now and then like the world owes me nothing? and that everything is a form of blessing?
fuck.
i should be thankful for what im given.

fuck. i just so ungrateful.

f u c k i n g e l l i s t h a t s s u c h a b i t c h a l l t h e t i m e.
i really suck big time.
can someone try to knock some sense into me?
and wake me up!?

i think moi D is going up. UP. and UP.
im changing again. i can feel it.
its like how you can feel your personality evolves?
its evolving again.
and i so hate it.
i think im becoming like hitler. though i do love him alot.
i like his drive.
but becoming him is another thing man.

i should REALLY REALLY go for counselling.

i just want to step ON YOUR TAIL AND CRUSH IT FLATTEN IT. watever.

MEOW!!!!
i just want to be a cat that coughs out furball.

meow.

and i find being a human tiring.
really tiring.
because life is sooooo fucking long.

and i hate it when people keep their mouth shut. like what im doing now. and thats why i so hate myself. so hate it.

bus ride 2

2005-08-20T09:58:00.000+08:00

finally i can sit and blog.

four things came to my mind yesterday on the bus ride before i dozed off.
- kinship.
thanks to mobile tv,
i saw the malay and chi sisters that reunited and they were on tv telling their stories, wanting to find their younger brother.
actually it was just a 5 second glimpse.
the malay lady talking abt wanting to find her bro.
but anyway mama and bro were talking abt it the other day over the dinning table.

so i was thinking, hmm
it would you want to find someone you haven seen for years?
then i begin to imagine..im her lah.
maybe after so many y ears of being an orphan, the thot of having someone sharing the same blood as you, similiar character traits ( even though she and her sis are brought up in diff culture, one chi, one malay,) the thot of kinship is just perculiar and bizzare? yet hopeful and brings some comfort to one? that they do belong?
i picture her with her whole family ( well just her two other siblings, the sis n bro ) if they unite, they'll have TONS to talk abt, being separated for SO LONG, and so diff culture. certainly, they will want to learn more abt each other, and APPRECIATE each other's cul. wow.
THINK ABT IT, if we treat everyone as our SIBLINGS, then wouldnt we want to know more? and diminishes the difference? and eventually gain acceptance? and live in harmonY? differences wouldnt divide us. well actually it never did. its more like the unknown and fear that always lead us to do weird things. murderous.
no more discrimination? wow. wow. if only its thats easy.
also,
for ppl like me, well i appreciate kinship at times, but not all time. and that applies to everyone lah. there are certainly times when u wish ur sibilings will disappear. see. we;re taking things for granted. what we never have will always be the more desired. think abt the above case, i tell you, she'll give everything to find her siblings back. SENSE OF BELONGING matters to her. she needs to belong. since young she must have been wondering why is she an orphan? with no siblings? well others have? and could only look at her friends animate stories of they and their siblings fooling at home.

SENSE OF BELONGing. indeed many ppl want to belong, the sense of attachment. our innate self. our nature to be similiar to others. maybe, the what give rise to being different, is to stand out, out shine others and be love. it isnt so much abt being different, or simply being different. theres things like SOCIAL norms? its a tendency for us to follow the crowd. hmm. safeR? and if thats the wrong route, well just die together lor.
..ah and how advertising work on that. to make us belong to a certain cul? hahaha like in pri sch u'll always form grps and name it? haha eg sisterhood. hahahahahahahahahahahahahha.

- i was being self consious.
well i think self consciousness its a privilege. it prevents you from doing things that affect others too much. too self conscious will become a form of self censorship? i doubt so. being self conscious is good. but most importantly dont lose yourself. alter your personality. if you're conscious, you'll try to watch what you say to minimise the pain you may induce in others. so are you not being yourself? whats the BIG DEAL of being yourself? yourself? natural self? why is it so priced? is it reallie so good? hypocracy? i think we tend to mix up hyporcracy and doing whats right instead of following your nature self? hmm limited vocab to express this clearly. like sometimes in a grp right, u very sian diao, but you know you cant slack? ( slack is what you want) but you still try to contribute. cause thats whats right. or you may not like the person? but you try to pt out her negative pts in a more subtle manner? enough for her to understand and not too harsh so as to hurt her? is this being hyprocritic? no right?. thats what i mean by self consciousness. and erm sensitive. some ppl can be very sensitive. but they're only sensitive of their own feelings. not towards others. and well in a well its being self absorb. like the other day. i was quite irritating. while retaking the nafa test i couldnt hide my disappointment and underachieving my goal for the shuttle run i said something quite insensitive. and well i know i've indirectly hurt others i guess. i know they have probably forgotten and didnt hold it against me. but well i still feel bad. sometimes you say its abt growingup? that friends quarrel? i think i have stop growing somehow. and when i make a mistake i know i shouldnt repeat it. its wrong. to me, to sin to make a mistake is a fault a flaw.
anyway. i still think self consciousness gives you an edge above us. esp in team. but sometimes, learning process just doesnt work that way.

seriously i have stop learning.
or at least the curve of learning is almost flat. very gentle curve.

the hunger for knowledge is a blessing.
and now i know why someppl find that amazing.
indeed.
when you have it? you dont see the importance of it.
but when you saw ppl lack of, and how they have put themselves at a disadvantage situation, you wanna help but well you just cant? its not that you dont want. but its so difficult its tougher than conquering mt everest. or mayb hyperbole is used just to cover up your laziness. watever. i just wanna do what i want. *yes again its pure selfness*
and we say, life is abt serving.
serving.
serving.

i wonder how you manage to tolerate us for so long.
and sometimes myopic and ignorance can be so irritating you wish you are blind.
gouge out my eyes.

and you said lectures are the only chance to learn.
how true.

*yawns*

open you eyes wretched mortals!

to be continue. when i have the time.
BREAKFAST TIME NOW!

:)

I miss...

2005-08-16T20:20:00.000+08:00

Jesus.

he was all i could think of when i saw the man, when i recognised the song.
and how he lifted me up when i've sunk so low.
i want to praise him.
and thank him.
i want to sing songs of worship.
:)

in him i've found peace.
:)

Loves Jesus.
:)

bus rides.

2005-08-16T20:09:00.000+08:00

been talking to jamie.
she's different.
not those ppl i'll normally associate with.
cant say much yet.
im still learning.

anyway.

was on my way home, den pass by this man playing guitar, singing a song thats very familiar. i walked on. i didnt "donate" or whatever u call that. but the song was familiar.. i slowed down my pace, listen more carefully to it... it was a christian song, one day i used to know. used to sing. i walked on.
on, and on.
then, i stopped and walked back.
and donated.

i felt more at ease and walked home again.
and started humming that song.

may lord be with you, *pastor*
and also with you.

during the hesitation many things went thru my mind.
like leen n jamie like to put it, "she thinks alot"

is that a bad thing?
you cant ans me either i know.
all you can manage would be,
its good to think, but anything of excess is never good.

yup i know.
now what?

but i enjoy thinking.
gaining understanding.

:)

i like it.
i like it this way.

and yes,
i need more time.
plenty of time. quality ones.
alone.
thinking.
re analyse.
i've lost myself.
well thats what i think lah.
yup i need to si kao more these days.

wooo what a long entry! hahhah

2005-08-15T12:39:00.000+08:00

wah wah wah.
okie this will be moi one good attempt to sound normal. like really normal. like super duper normal. ah hahahaha.

well well,
im in sch using the com!!! i think moi sch is so darn cool cause you can go online!! and you can use the msn web messenger like nobody's business! i think the sch IT teachers hor not very bright. somehow, we all just know the trick to log on msn. mwahahhaa. students these days are too bright for them or are they too old to catch up with us? hmmmsss

anyway the purpose of this blog is (we always do things with a purpose in mind right? dont we??????? well i like to believe in im the intelligent sort. and even slacking in a form of purpose. hahaha )
anyway. im here to complain that i have been soooooooooo bz.( like REAL ).
just plain tired man.
this fatigue been plagueing me dont know since when and its annoying lah.
i enjoy waking up at wee hours to do hmwk. its like so quiet.
esp using moi laptop to type that yes FUCKING gp essay that got me so tired. i have been typing for days and i still cant finish it. its freaking difficult. and now i have 2 more essays to go. its like so shittty man!!! . fuggit.
well at least, IM NOT ALONE!
saw omama online, and her nick was, "globalisation's fault".
indeed.!!!! Osasa *me*, wah lau eh, can we go back to stone age!?
and yesterday i went out with *leen*, small loser *jamie*, dah and her friend to watch WEDDING CRASHERS! ( which i OBJECTTED right at the beginning cause i wanted to watch the more intellectual, THE ISLAND, or at least, BEWITCHED which has NICOLE in it! i think she's gorgeous lah! pretty pretty pretty. ) but due to many reasons and unforseen circumstances, we had to watch wedding crashers. its so.....AMERICAN PIE lah. i had a good laff, but brainless at the same time. i felt. stupid.er after that. like. LAME SHIT. why am i watching all this lame shit!??!?! a total waste of time.
oh ya, back to globalisation. i was watching half way when i recieve this sms from this friend, asking me whats the difference between westernisation and americanisation. and i tried to ans, but i wasnt convince with moi own ans either or so called logic. so i smsed tong and weng. tong replied. but yes will ask him more today. later. if i manage to catch him. well weng obviously didnt reply. god knows why. attitude problem. must be. tsk tsk. how can a old man have such attitude problem? shame on him. ( this entry is so bloody long.) i think im just plain bored thats why im doing this. like talking non stop non stop.
and
moi classmates went to watch dim sum dolllies!!! im sooOOO upset lah!!!
all thanks to jamie!!! she forgotten to help me buy the ticket lah!!! by the time i call up the sistic, theres only one tix left. now i need to look for someone to go with me. damnit. i so dread it. i dun give a fuck man. but wah lau eh still must hand up the lit hmwk lah. this is so idiotic. IDIOTIC. I-D-O-T-I-C.

oh. this week is going to be a long week.
monday ends at 5.10. (maths test on tues )
tuesday ends at 5.10 ( econs test on wed )
Wed ends at 6.10? ( library lor. )
thur ends at. freaking shittie, 9.45 pm!? hopefully can reach home before 11pm!?
friday. HA. FINALLY. 3.10. think i'll wait for jamie so we can head home together. which is..... 4.10? den i'll reach home ard...5 30? maybe i should go church. i miss it. but that church i always go with sammie is so far......far far far..but ifeel so bad.....for not going church. i think im so horrible. terrible girl terrible. i should drown myself to death!. stupid girl. stupidfied.

okie got to go back to my econsss!!! got to hand up later!!!!
sighsss so much to do!
and guess what!??
i haven studied for maths and econs!!!
i have threw moi schedule book aside over the weekend. HAPPILY.
and only realise theres maths test tml...and econs..on wed...THIS MORNING. THIS MORNING. like 9.30Am? while killing time with zying, mel and emma in the lib, with this bunch of barbaric brainless inconsider morons sitting near us. though they didnt affect me much cause i was listening to ...my..SHERYL Crow, but u jus need one look at zying's expression. u'll know it all. they are. freaking. childish. annoying. and. sickening lah. dont they understand whats a library called? for? purpose!??!??!?!?!??!?!? wah lau eh. SICKENING PPL. i thot we're suppose to be REFINED AND CULTURED PPL!?!??! ( yeah like real, how can that be when little miss lis, uses fuck all the time? how cultured. hahahah )

yes one good thing. had a good talk with mama. not a good talk. but we pretended NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. and hahahah i think im so evil. i made her soooo worried. but well. serve her right. HA HA HA. but still i love moi mamam.
she's sooo adorable..
til this day,
she'll still call me, "bao bei..."
well i used to thing thats so mushy and though i quite like it, i'll be too embarrassed to blog abt it. but now. no. IM SO PROUD OF IT.
hahah.
yes im mama's bao bei.
blehs.
blehssssss

oh. she calls me darling too. very affectionately.
DARLING, hows your day??????
tats her first question when she comes home everyday.
and sometimes she'll drag a little. and ends with a smile. and u can see all her wrinkles. mwaahahahah.
but yeah i stille love her. hehe

ummm muacksss!

:)

mama rocks.
heh.

yes im evil i know. are you scare now?

2005-08-13T22:22:00.000+08:00

when i was in pri 4, my chinese teacher told me a story about the death of a man and his two wives.

long ago,
theres this man with cancer and died in the end.
during the funeral,
the 2nd wife of the man cried like mad.
the eldest wife of the man, didnt weep at all.
so many people thot the 2nd wife loved the man
and criticised the elder wife for being so cold blooded and unfeeling.

well the truth is,
the 2nd wife cried, because she felt that she has let him down, that she wasnt a good wife when he was around. she was guilty and sorry.
the elder wife, on the other hand, was happy for him, that he had finally died, no longer did he need to suffer the pain and torture. also, she knew she had done whatever she could for him before he die.

so next time,
i wouldnt cry if someone important pass away.
and thats what i always think.
i wouldnt cry.
i wouldnt.
no regrets.

i think the 2nd wife is crying out of guilt reasons.
serve her right.
serve her right.
serve her right.
its too late man.
its too late.
and its too bad you gonna be guilt ridden for your whole life.
ITS JUST TOO BAD.

and i so love the elder wife for being so strong.
she probably did cry, but when she's alone, when she knew she wouldnt be able to see him again. thats when she would cry..

sighsss.

grown up.

2005-08-13T22:21:00.000+08:00

and ha.
i thank god that i didnt cry.
i didnt cry. i didnt cry.
no i didnt cry.

wow.

and only you can make me tear that way.

great.

im so so so so relief.

wheres the truth we've been looking for?

2005-08-10T08:17:00.000+08:00

am listening to: The Perishers, Pills

I hope my smile can distract you..

The Perishers – Pills

slow song help me thinks better.

our eyes often lie to us, showing us or providing evidences that satisfy us but are they the truth? often not. and how we love to believe them, mere illusions. try the heart some may say. but i thot anything go thru the heart and come out thru the mouth is impure? again altered by our heart, affecting our emotions, changes the meaning, to "truth" we believe. maybe truth will never exist. every event involves so many ppl, and its like a chain reaction, we cant isolate ourselves, we'll just affect others, caz we're so. INTER-RELATED. ha. it sounds stupid. but thats a TRUTH. ah ha. i found one truth, one absolute. *sidetrack: physical law and moral beliefs.*
well without eyes or heart, what else do we havE? our brain i guess, the only thinking tool, the one that's truly ours, thats with your soul. even my heart, i would like to call it a betrayal, so disobedient. and make man falliable. well i should just work on my brain, expand it. i dont want a pea size brain thats so pathetic. and *sidetrack: a pea size brain when its SWOLLEN.* i'll cry for that chap.

*am still listening to pill.*

maybe many things have proven your pt, are sure can you be? and why do i value honesty so much, because i never want to believe what i see or hear or infer. i want to know the truth from you directly. its not a lack of confidence, but i dont trust what i see or hear. precisely i want to trust you, i want truth. probably thats why im so difficult. lack of trust? i doubt so. a hunger for trust that cause insecurity is more like it. and when you want me to know, you'll say it wouldnt you? but often not, you choose to play the mind game. its tiring but i follow suit.

maybe someday i should give myself the best actress award for successfully misleading you that way. she was over sensitive, but you're pure stupid. ha. yes and i mean stupid. its not a bad word man. it just means the person aint bright. thats a truth. not an insult. well truth is relative. it depends. to me thats a truth. again, truth is not a truth but rather, an opinion. now i get wat i've been trying to say.
she misinterpretated your body language, but unfortuantely they're just her insecurities.
he asked me if i have hated her. no i didnt. its you that i should be angry and piss off with. i thot she was fine and all. lovely. like i say, what am suppose to expect? its part of growing up. you make me learn a hellot more than you realise. something abt tolerance? abt understanding, and again, being so schizo. or is that hypocracy? should i feel hurt or should or i me thankful that i succeeded in making you believe the truth you wanted most? the truth i wanted you to believe, but i know they can never be true. if thats a price to pay to save this friendship. i would. i cant lose everything can i? maybe you can. but no i cant. so long im alive, my thinking cap will always be on, (n never will i let my heart overpowers it again, its disasterous ) and i'll be rational enough to do whats right. not what i want/desire? but whats right. (maybe once in a while, a little indulgence )

maybe im a conformist, often a very right wing. but you think i give a damn? im not proud to be a left wing. yes we challenge the norms, but at times, its good to follow the elder, heed their advice, they dont live for a century for nothing. and advices are being pass down since the dawning of man, certainly they've gone thru the worst and are now advising us, protecting us to go thru the hardship they have been thru. only when you have experience it yourself, you would know the pain of it and hence, more than willing to stop other fools from repeating it. their worries for us is of good intention.

im digress so much. thats all for today folks.

Fallen.

2005-08-08T22:29:00.000+08:00

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

(chorus)
Though I've Tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

- by Sarah McLACHLAN
(this is only a part of the song, the part i could relate best with.)

as i listen to this song again, i have a better understanding than when i first bought this album last year. knowing the song is meaningful and the lyrics was great were one thing? but seeing ur life revolves ard it, this very story here, i think the words alone arnt enough. even listening to the music seems incomplete. try the piano. it helps. hellot better. sing with it. you could feel warm tears trickling down your cheeks, but you continue to sing and play the keys. keys so cold yet each note you strike, so powerful.

i never like my electon though many think its the same as piano. no, they arnt. because piano keys are harder to press it down, its more expressive than electon whose keys are light and you can pressit down effortlessly. you just dont feel your strength, n probably the agony.

loves piano.

three's a CROWD

2005-08-08T05:50:00.000+08:00

well.
it sucks big time.
but again.
how bad could it be?

its just a passing phase.
everyone gotta learn to grow up.
thanks man.

but nothing tasted sweet even the willy wonka's choco doesnt seem to work too well.
bitter. bitter. bitter.

indeed,
three's a crowd.

wah lau eh, as they say.
what do you expect?

weird girl thinks that..

2005-08-06T23:39:00.000+08:00

wow. i have new inspiration. shall blog more pictorial entries. they suit me better. will discuss abt the life of bimbo, bimbos wanna be, lians, bengs, nerddnerdd, and whatever that comes to my mine. just for laff. dont take it too seriously babes.

:)

life isnt that bad.

its VERY BAD.

mwahahaha

a rise, awake, our land is growing strong and free.

2005-08-06T20:34:00.000+08:00

do you remember singing this song in primary school?
well i do!

:) I love SINGAPORE!

mwahahaha.

im a fishiee.

2005-08-06T19:49:00.000+08:00

im a fishh. im phassciinated by scoobber dyver. hee ishh dare. no hee isnt. hee ishh dare. hee isnt. i sween around. hee errpear ergain. i dawn reemember seeing heem.

im a fishh. i haff short termm memorey.

"dare! blobblob blobblob.."
"andarder scoobbee!, orr yish hee dee one i saw erwhile ergo?"
"blobblob blobblob..."

- woo, isnt dishh drawingg queue?? heeheeheh. itsss soo queue, it reminds mee orf mee. mwahahahaha. *winkss*

fcukinghell.

2005-08-02T21:15:00.000+08:00

i thank god.
just when i was furiously typing a BLOG that is very much fuckup and with lots of vulgarities, i posted it in this blog, well thats what i thot initially. until i viewed it, then i noticed that i have blogged in the wrong place. but again, i was glad that i have accidentally posted in the wrong blog just when i was doubting my decision of blogging it here. it could be too much, too heavy. so well
this little mistake did make me smile and i feel better.

the gist of it is,
the girl is so fcukup with everything,
and she uses fcukup so excessively, the meaning of it has change.
she loves that word too much, she life has become one.

IAN, and i miss you so.
honey why arnt you there?
i wish you were there.
at least i could psycho you and you can psycho me and we can all recite that.
LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.
thanks.
but i cant seem to SAY that word and mean it.
AT THE MOMENT.
but, yeah, thanks.

thanks iannnn..

do you need to remind me that i was once QUITE smart according to moe?

2005-08-01T03:21:00.000+08:00

bobby the traveller says:
i didn't do alot of work in jc

elise - its a creepy night when their skin starts peeling off. says:
caz u know u r leaving on a jet plane

elise - its a creepy night when their skin starts peeling off. says:
ha

bobby the traveller says:
haha, ya, but i still did some work

bobby the traveller says:
lol

elise - its a creepy night when their skin starts peeling off. says:
WATEVER! har

bobby the traveller says:
i did enough to show that im not dumb lol

elise - its a creepy night when their skin starts peeling off. says:
DO U NEED TO PROVE THAT PT? (ha)

elise - its a creepy night when their skin starts peeling off. says:
well u wanna stay in sch i guess.

elise - its a creepy night when their skin starts peeling off. says:
ACJC ( its acjc, what do u expect? )

elise - its a creepy night when their skin starts peeling off. says:
well i would love to study there though

elise - its a creepy night when their skin starts peeling off. says:
but too bad. ( not smart enough )

elise - its a creepy night when their skin starts peeling off. says:
ha

elise - its a creepy night when their skin starts peeling off. says:
could have use ur name to apply lor. ( since you're flying off anyway )

elise - its a creepy night when their skin starts peeling off. says:
ha

elise - its a creepy night when their skin starts peeling off. says:
stupid.

bobby the traveller says:
haha

elise - its a creepy night when their skin starts peeling off. says:
but again this explains why i m not qualify to go there in the first place

bobby the traveller says:
nah u very smart one

bobby the traveller says:
if not why u 1/1 and i'm 1/8

elise - its a creepy night when their skin starts peeling off. says:
OH SHUDDUP

elise - its a creepy night when their skin starts peeling off. says:
thats because im a MUGGER IN pri 6

elise - its a creepy night when their skin starts peeling off. says:
while u guys are PLAYERS and hackCARERS in pri 6

bobby the traveller says:
haha

bobby the traveller says:
i also mugged

elise - its a creepy night when their skin starts peeling off. says:
ARE U SERIOUS?

bobby the traveller says:
haha

bobby the traveller says:
well i guess so

*1/1 was the best class in nhss back then. 1/8 was the "last" class. but actually they were the best express class that doesnt take HCL lah. bob is full of crap. he still cant get over it being thrown into the SO CALLED LAST CLASS. obviously he was a GENIUS back then and didnt like the LABEL stuck to his forehead when he walked ard with ppl acking him what class was he from. he detested it. again, thats what happen to genius with a huge ego. i pity him though. harhar. and yes he needs to mock me to heal his wound. well i dont mind. im a born to be social worker. the fact that i scored 256 in psle has been haunting me. it was SHEER LUCK. you know? i mugged like shit in pri 6. now i will tell my kids not to mug too hard, elseu got to MUG THAT Hard all ur life to keep up with that QUITE SMART TITLE. obviously i couldnt make it when everyone starts to mug and well, i refuse to. just couldnt push myself that way. though i can finish a nice nice painting for you. well art was all that im ever good in in sec sch and one sub that i enjoyed.

art rocks. -

the only thing that will keep me awake for more than 48 hours.
reading textbooks will just put me to sleep.

GOODNESS. there goes my B L O G !!!!

2005-07-31T18:08:00.000+08:00

been trying to load my BLOG the whole day. at first i thot the server down. but after more than 6 hrs of trying, i checked out my template only to find more than half the portion of it went missing. that explained why i couldnt load it and the radio blog i put up yesterday plus all the lyrics sites i went to search were all GONE. pLUS ALL MY LINKS which i have left them as that since ages ago. I LOVE MOI BLOG because its just so simple and easy to manage. now that its gone, im really devastated and REDOING IT is killing me. NO NO NO this cant be real. i kept repeating to myself. pushing that thot out of my head and i whined out loud even begging moi bro to let me have this very moment to myself and bear with my screams. FUCKIT. i hate redoing thing lah! like what the fuck and all my effort went down the drain! all of my MANY HOURS spent yesterday...shit man. im so screwed!!! meanwhile, i'll leave my blog LIKE THIS. LIKE THIS. UGLY. but what can i do!?!??! screwed man.
arrrhhhH!