whats passion? just feel it.

when you just dont feel the intensity of the passion anymore,
you know, its the end.

"if you want me back badly enough, you'll know what to do"

if im that guy, i'll scream at you, like, GOSH WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

but after so much, i have to agree..that r/s, is all about passion. ( im not sure about love = passion )
if you dont feel sufficient passion to fuel the fading flames in you, then, its pointless to go on. its about feeling it. its not about what your head tells you to do. dont confuse what you have learnt in school with your personal life or lifestyle. dont bring school work home. dont think at home. feel it. you only use your brain when it comes to work. the rest of the time, just feel it ( and use your brain when necessary) but really, dont let your brain lead your heart and your thots murder your downplay the importance of what you feel.

right now, i just want to finish my work my exam and, start doing things i like.

giving has never been difficult, esp to those that i love, and to the person that i want to spend my life with.
but.

a relationship isnt about giving. its both. its spontaneous, its mutual.
how many damn times must i repeat myself and force this into my head, it is not about you and you alone.
its both ways.

wake up.

love, is a sweet thing and its hard to come by.

carrie used to think, love is a sweet thing.
yuaniee, do you still think so?

i always think, love is a sweet thing..
then i started to FEEL love is heartbreaking and exhuastive.
then, i realised love and like, they mingled, but they are not synonymous.
then, i realised i have loved someone i shouldnt have.
then i did it again.
and again.
and again.

now, i think, yes love is a sweet thing,
but, love doesnt come easily and it doesnt just happen over night.
( i know it, but to feel it in your soul, in your heart, with all the intensity building up just thinking of it, it just brings more heartache )

everynow and then, i wish, and to deny the existence of love.
to make your heart hard.
to avoid feeling it.

to love, it should be a crime.
ah. why cant i dance in the rain and feel free?
why cant i be free?

its a heavy heart weighing me down.

maybe, love is a sweet thing, is just a facade, an ideal.
maybe its just too hard to comeby, thats why everyone keep trying and kept thinkg THATSSS!!! LOVEE!!!
but, look deeper, dont lie.
you know it isnt.
or, it is not mutual.

TOO LATE!

yea im back here again. because reality pushes me here. fuck you.
just when i was able to feel sorry for being so mad, i change upon his blog, and that sets me thinking for a very long time.

extracted:

9 months too late.
Save the apologies
tears
guilt
pleading.
You should have tried 9 months ago.
Still untainted
innocent
free.
Dying at your hands,
sedated
crying
kicking
screaming
scratching
swearing.
Heartless gaze and restraints
dead
immobile
gone.
9 months too late.

Tuned it out with the loudest music i can find on my cellphone, thank god that the music played at the loudest volume drowns out any voice. Dani California works wonders.

from someone's blog.

YEA, too late. TOO LATE. thats what i meant. YOU MISS THAT CHANCE, YOU FUCKING MISS IT. DONT COME BACK AGAIN. DONT. AND LIVE WITH IT MAN. LIVE WITH WATS LEFT OF ME. DONT FUCKING COME BACK. DONT EVEN TRY TO REACH OUT. IM VERY FINE ON MY OWN, TO WALK OUT OF IT. IM TRYING HARD TO. IM DIDNT GIVE UP AT ALL. ITS YOU WHO HAVE FORGOTTEN ALL ABT ME. I JUST DONT LIKE THE PRETENSE. SO GET LOST. BUT NO, IM NOT A STUPID BITCH. I LOVE MYSELF. IM GONNA GET WELL SOON. MEANWHILE, JUST BE NICE AND SHUT YOUR FUCKING GAP.

FUCK YOU.

erms, i have moved to
http://crossbox.livejournal.com/
very long ago. hahahaahhs. erms? redirect yourself okie? :) :) :)

free mind.

between ups and downs, between before and after, before forward and backward, between laughters and tears, between love and hate, between heaven and earth, between life and death.
where do we stand? what measures a man? what defines emotion?

im confuse, holding a measuring cup in my hand,
staring at flour staring back at my face.
a subliminal thought split through hollow mind,
echoing: help..helP...heLPP...hELLPPP...HEELLLPPPP...
then,as soon as i hear it, every muscle ready to react,
snaps back to 2seconds back.

hollow..hollow..hollow..
my arm..
its still holding the measuring cup...
swinging gently...

of all the things we have done, have loved, have sacrificed, we are still who we are, or we are never who we think we are. whenever we act unlike our usual self, we provide ourselves, our conscious, and conscience with excuses. we know we could have done things in other ways, but in that split second, we give in to our own expectations and by rendering our brain for an excuse, we are saved, we are pardoned, by ourselve period.

we were merely freshmen.

we have seen the sunset and sunrise a thousand times, and of that 1000 times, only once did i stop to have a good look at it, breathing in its brilliance and praise its beauty in awe. once. how ashame should i be of myself for being so nonchalant the 999times. of simple bliss and happiness. how i let it slips away, the little pleasure in life. we always look forward and beyond. but there are times we look way far ahead we forget to appreciate those ard us. how forgetful, or even naive to think that when you own your future, whats given to you, or already there aint important. and reflection doesnt really help you to see. you may see but if reality doesnt hit u hard enough, if you have unintentionally degraded the simple luxury of watching sunset and sunrise, you will never realise your mistake. or have the courage to make time to correct ur mistake.

im so exhausted now but i know im not given the right to complain because everyone else is so. so i keep quiet and keep my whining to my parents and myself. my foot is still swelling and i wish i can tell everyon, theres more reason to why im not feeling well. i hate doing it, but im always doing it. i hate it. i hate it. but it always alleviates my mood. i cant tell anyone. i can. but no i wouldnt. and now i have to take painkillers everyday. it doesnt help with my dad urging me to stop taking it. whats the point. you know it will swell. its my foot. i know it. i can feel it swelling if i miss the time to take my med. and stop asking me to eat. i am so annoyed. im trying very hard to eat. eating to me isnt a luxury. theres so much things to think abt before eating or after. im so tired of that. and on top of it, the flu is getting on my nerves. i cant take medicine to cure it cause i need the time to study. yet i feel so lurthagic. this feeling sucks. i really feel like crap. really give me an hour, i may want to use crying therapy to make myself feel better. im tired. i dont even know if i'll die from that swelling and i know my digestion system is down. maybe i have cancer? haha..its a very nervous smile. guess i'll do a check up after exam..but there'll be alot of questioning and. who knows. what if they want to see my parents?

and i'll sing a song of love.

crossbox.livejournal.com

the morrow, a better day.

today you sat beside me.
i do not know what to expect but you were direct, like you have always been.
i know something like that will happen, but never too sure it will be so fast and direct.
im sorry i have disrupted your life, and make you worry for nothing.
but i have no more chips left, sorry was all that i could afford.

how are you?
whats going thru your mind?

i could only keep quiet.

did i hurt you in some ways?

i kept still, speech unable.
i looked away, unable to face you, that powerful look makes me want to talk, yield to your questioning.

did i hurt you, you asked again.

momentarily, i could feel tears welling up.
but no, im not gonna let it happen.
when you have tried so hard to escape from this,
you;re not gonna ruin it all like this right?

thats the first time you seeing me, being stubborn, stubbornly refusing to talk.
dont second guess me, you know me well enough.
though i always get to see other ppl's private thots, mine are very well guarded.
they are privately mine.

and i just didnt htink its the right time to talk abt it.
but yes, its a first step in knowing me better.
that i can be very defiant and rebellious, that i do not yield to you all the time.
that, i am not your afterall, miss goody two shoes.

i m cold and hard.
but that is only because i see it need to.
no more,
no more of that slipping.

have you gone thru alot?
do you still resent?
what do you resent?

yes, you gotit, i resent, because there are many private thots in my head, that tells me, no i shouldnt be doing this. yes i should be, yes they are justifiable.
but no, they are not. they are just impulsive passion that grew too strong, left uncheck for too long and they just demeans me more and more.
smaller and smaller i became.
to the point, i hated knowing who i am.

self consciousness is a ver y painful experience.

yes, it was a very tough battle that i have fought, and
now, im trying to recover from it.

im moving on,
i hope you too.
dont worry for me.

i'll be fine.

everythings back to normal.
i will restraint my thoughts and not let them go too wild.
that way, i'll be fine.

:)

thanks.

it was a rewarding conversation.

give me time,
i'll give you more assurance.

theres alot more things out there waiting for me, than

you're a very strong and versatile person.

yes thank you, i know that.
this heart of mine, they'll mature one day, as good as my brain.

teaching???????????

this sounds terribly stupid. but yes, i am very upset after the little conversation we have initially, turns out to be a storm as we exchanged our opinions on teaching, as a profession.
T was telling me the other day, he thinks im a very left wing person, and the next time, WTO comes, i'll probably be one of the activist, protesting outside the conference, then he will see me on tv, being arrested. And, that amuses him, as how a tiny person can get caught, and a tiny person being so idealistic.
has, the world has failed me, or my perception of the world has failed.
its not easy coming to terms with thing you dont like. and it gets harder if you have to live your whole life that way. you grew up in fairy tales, believing everythings purfect. but when you get old, and reality slaps you time and again mercilessly hard, still you refuse to give in. til your body begins to slow down and you literally let the pain eats you up whole, you begin to resent.

anyway abt teaching as a profession. apparently his gf is going to be a erm..erm.. you know. T.
and then, he said teaching is a very easy job. at the back of my mind, im thinking, are you kidding me or what? how can teaching be an easy job? i have empathise teachers of all levels, from pri to sec to jc. easy job? you mean, job satisfaction that is sufficient to make you forget all the fatigue and hard work you put in in making sure your commitments ( students ) performly above expectations?
i personally think, teaching is a trying profession.
and if you cant give your all, dont bother.
do not compromise on your students.
please.

- ms left wing.
whatever.
i am idealistic.
shoot me.

(btw, i never grew up in fairy tales. i always thot they were stupid irrealistic and misleading fictions. but precisely knowing these stories, it encourages you to harbour hopes for the future. but you know what? i see none. i used to hope alot for the future. used to. but now, i feel nothing. lead the life you want. well im disgusted by what i see. and, it gets worst, when you see that quality you detest and despise lives in you as well. im a major turn off. but so are you. you freaking fugly. but so am i.

we're all the same )

and you only live on, becauseof him.
the world is heidious. unless you have been so sheltered all this well, and you couldnt see.

and of course, i will want to die. but since i cant die. but hate this place, i wont sit and do nothing. dont be silly. its not in my blood to wait for the sky to fall. i'll do something meaningful, well, after i get out of the educatino system. and im very firm with that. im gonna serve.

and my bro said, " teaching is a very easy job, once you're done with work, you can leave the sch."
and i rebuted, " that shouldnt be the way. teachers should try to do more, and give more. its a profession not measure by economic incentives. the motivation should comes from the teacher, the passion and the desire to nurture students."
bro," so you think you must contribute to the society? and serve?"
me, " yes, exactly, and thats what i want."

i know some think it sounds damn dumb.
but thats what i believe in.

we have different value systems.

but dont give me that look of disapproval or that im a freak.
because it only shows, how selfish yo u have been,
and you alone, represent many others out there.
the same strange expression they give.

sometimes.
i dont like discussions.

confession.

i think i owe you an apology.
and to put an end to all these.

am sorry, well, thats if you are ever worried for me.
to put you thru this. obviously, im the one at fault.
or maybe, becaz no one should be blamed for this,
it gets harder. agony and tears, they know no direction,
for why they existed, and who do they go to.

( ash hairstyle sucks in L.O.VE. its supr ugly. )

im sorry.

and when you ask me, should you do it again.
im in no position to tell you what to do.
i wish i can help you determine.
but all sense of logic dont apply no more.
he works against the norm, usual human instinct.
so i cant second guess.
its pretty tough.

hold back if you can.
( now i see why we need to meet. )
we haven discuss the consequence yet.

why do i think, everyone is just making use of one another.
why arnt we friends of everyone's?
(and when you discriminate, you only generate hate.)
acceptance and tolerance,
how do you define them.

(gorillaz rockssss!!! they are so adorable lah!!!! feel good inc. )

the equation is simple.
but we like to expand and factorise, expand expand, factorise, expand factorise, factorise.
and create a long long equation, before we decide,
the problem is unsolvable. and
well, "equation is too complicated!!!"

ha.
we complicate things to protect ourselves.
or have i over simplied/ generalising too much?

and in a madness,
whats in their memory bank?
childhood? smiles?
or agony??

live on, the world they are too caught in, is perfect.
die now, if illusions are as cruel as reality.

whats the color of the sky?
what secret has heaven let out?

we are done with the past, present and future.
let me go, will you?

a concoction of resentment and regrets.

I'd give it all up just for you
Just to have you near me
I'd give it all up just for you

Bring me up, bring me down
Turn me inside out
I'd give it all up just for you

the corrs, give it all up.

Hidden Talent

Your Hidden Talent

Your natural talent is interpersonal relations and dealing with people. You communicate well and are able to bring disparate groups together. Your calming presence helps everything go more smoothly. People crave your praise and complements.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

whats your inner blood?

Your Inner Blood Type is AB!

Your personality is hard to define - you're very unconventional. And even if your personality could be defined, it would be completely different next week! Outgoing and shy, sensitive and thoughtless, you tend to have a very split personality. This makes you unpredictable. You can be a total angel - and a total devil. You are most compatible with: everyone! Famous Type AB's: Jackie Chan and Marilyn Monroe

What's Your Inner Blood Type?

why are you asking me?

"you feel harder than normal recently.."

HAHA.
whats next?
so?

why should i be concern of what you think? does it matter really? really?

you're like a drug. its addicitive.

a rebel of herself.

sometimes i wish to let out those secrets, let you know who' s that girl standing infront of you. but most of the time, its too difficult. we are a group of people so screwed up, i think 50% we hate ourselves for abusing ourself, 50% smiling smirkingly at ppl ard us, for not knowing what we have done behind the curtains.

you think you know it all, you have no idea.

and one day i die, i hope to see you cry.
ha

cause i think you're the reason.

i have changed so much past 2 years so many mistakes i made repeatedly, i kept running away from them.

everytime, i'll keep cleaning myself, trying to wash those dirts off. i really hated it. but it becomes pointless. its fucking painful. the idea to hurt yourself can be very thrilling, yet very stupid and dangerous.

i am fascinated by the idea of me becoming mentally ill.
wouldnt that be interesting?
to see yourself mad?

ha.

i like it.
i like to think i am abnormal.
i like to run into the road and get hit by the car,
and maybe watch from above how you cry.
its so thrilling.
and i am very entertain by these thots.

perfect.

i feel like slashing everyone. kill everyone.
i love blood.
i love to see you cry.

i thot of seeing psychologist the other day
but that bastard dr, say i should confide in my friends, and he started talking to me abt it, trying to make me talk.
what an arsehole.
ya, i realise my arrogance have got me laughing at almost everyone.
and its annoying when i become too cocky.

somehow its true that i have a mature mind but not a heart and do not let your mature thinking deceive you into believing you have a mature mind.

mature mind? ha.
ogosh, if i ever have that, i will be a saint.
so you know what?
i dont give a shit.

let me decompose
the heart that denies other voices, is a weak and foolish one.
the heart of youth.

and thats mine.
im not trying to identify myself with other teens.
i dont care what stupid things they are doing.
but you know what?
i just want to indulge in all these evil thots.
i am rebellious.
i am loving it.
its so easy to be the black sheep.

a rebel of herself.

major in?

You scored as Psychology. You should be a Psychology major! Mathematics 92% Psychology 92% Linguistics 83% Art 83% Dance 83% Sociology 83% Theater 75% Engineering 75% Anthropology 75% Philosophy 67% Biology 67% English 67% Journalism 58% Chemistry 8% What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3) created with QuizFarm.com

get well soon..

we waited impatiently for him to get out of the bathroom.
we were tired after a long day.
i thot it would be a quick visit and
i'll be on my way home.

30mins passed slowly.
and when he finally came out,
with a white gauze like cotton,
my heart felt a tight squeeze.

and when he finally speaks,
everything begins to collapse,
tears just well up and
i lost it.

it was so painful.
already the waiting, the 30mins stare at the empty bed has made me thot of the loneliness and pain he has to go thru.
having see him in this pathetic state,
i wish i could be the one undergoing the operation.

yes, i cant bear to lose him.
it was a very difficult moment.

when he speaks, his voice was horse and low and he was struggling to speak, fighting the pain in his throat.
in the attempt to correct his crooked nose and swelling flesh in the nose so as to prevent the morning sinus, he underwent the operation.
however, the operation didnt go smoothly.
first attempt failed.
he came out, and started puking fresh blood.
excessive internal bleeding.
he was send into the operation room again.
2 opertations.
he's now in intensive care, under observation.
all weak and fragile.
its a pain to see a big man become so weak.

im sorry darling, but its really painful to see u in such a state.
i couldnt help crying.
i cried and cried and cried.
it was a minor operation.
but the thot of u in such a pain..
oh dear lord, what has happen again.

this is all so terrible.

and all i can do is, cry and cry and cry..

dear lord, dont ever take him away.
though i dont really like him,
dont, please dont, take him away.

dear brother, get well soon.
hope to see you kick my ass, pinch my face, and command me around.